A Different Kind of Dream

The first Sunday Tammy was in the hospital, our Worship Pastor quoted a verse that I realized was a gift from God. I am not going to share it with you just yet, but it was the basis of my prayers for her rest throughout her sedation, and even over the last few weeks. It spoke of God quieting her with His love. I wanted her to feel the presence of God, even in her sedation. Her reality was so scary, I didn't want her to have horrible dreams too. I prayed this verse. And when we knew they were going to take her out of sedation, I put the words on a poster on her wall that I made on the computer, along with two other posters with her Deut. verse and my Psalm 27 verse.

Well, last night, during the Stars game (which, by the way, was not so very impressive), she and I were "talking." She is learning to write with her left hand on a white board, because her right arm hurts so bad. She asked about different things like: "Are you paying my bills?" "What about work?" "Why did they put me on the vent?" "Am I already on the list?" So, I began telling her about how sick she was. I also began telling her about how the prayers of God's saints (you) had been constantly flowing, and how God answered our prayers by lowering her numbers one number at a time. I told her how God showed me Psalm 27, and how God had used that verse to get me through every stage of the process, trusting in the fact that He loves her more than I do, and that He would do the very best for her, whether I liked it or not.

I shared with her about the call to prayer, about how many of you came up to the hospital on the prompting of the Spirit of God, and about how that day was so encouraging to me. I told her about starting the blog because I couldn't keep up with who I told what and make sure that everyone knew what was going on. When I told her that there had been over 5000 hits on the blog, the tears that she had been holding back when I told her about the call to prayer began to spill. I told her I couldn't wait for her to read about all of the specific answers to prayer. It is going to blow her away.

Then she wrote, "I keep having a dream about a flower." I asked her what kind of flower and she wasn't sure, so we are going to do some searches. Then she said, "I hear singing and then the flower begins to bloom." I asked her how it made her feel. She said, "Good. Calm." I gulped, pointed to the wall to the poster decorated with a huge yellow flower (not the one from her dream) that had the verse on it I mentioned earlier. Now, I will share the verse I was talking about earlier:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

We looked at each other. Her eyes got wide and she pointed at me and said, "That's it." It was my turn to cry. I never would have imagined that God would allow her to actually hear singing. I was so humbled that He let me in on how He was planning to love on her. It awes me at how specific that verse was answered, and that the verse was mentioned in a worship service, not in light of what was going on with her, but to encourage us. So now my tears of awe have turned to celebrating. He is the most amazing God. To Him be all the glory for all that He has done, all that He is doing, and all that He will do!

Oh, I almost forgot. Her pressure-assistance is down to 13%! Remember, we are praying for 5% and it started at 25%. Sorry about that, in light of our conversation, the number wasn't my focus today.

Settling in for a Night with the Stars

If you thought "Dancing with the Stars," boy, you don't know Tammy too well! We are talkin' Dallas Stars! She is excited to be able to check in on the boys on the ice. Our theory is that they heard she was sick and just couldn't find the heart to play. But now that she is doing much better, surely ... surely ... they have to play better tonight. Of course, for most of you, you will be reading this after the fact, but allow us our moment, will ya?

Actually, other than nausea, it has been a pretty good day. I had some errands to run, and there weren't too many visitors. Physical and Occupational Therapists came by to visit. Pray God will remove the pain from her right arm. Since it is so tender to the touch, the therapy sessions are a real beat down. It is one thing to have weak muscles and stiff joints, but it is entirely another when 90% of the movements involve someone applying pressure in the middle of a bruise. The therapist is as careful as she can be, but it is pretty rough.

The doctor came in today with a new "fellow" which is replacing the one that rotated off last week. As the doc was catching up the new guy with everything that had gone on, I was impressed once again at how God has moved at exactly the right time, every time, since this thing started. Do you realize how much trouble He has gone through to get our attention? Yes, I said "our." Yours and mine. It is not coincidence that you have chosen to share this journey with us. It is not just because you love Tammy. God placed the idea for this blog on my heart, and He is the one who gives me the ideas and the lessons that I am learning. I certainly never would have thought I would have something to write about every day for as many days as I have. It really is God prompting me. And you. You always have the option of stopping at the very beginning after the update, or ignoring the "spiritual stuff," and some of you may be doing that very thing. But for those of you who are reading on, or maybe who only take the time every other day, the days you do choose to read are not a surprise to God. He prompts you. He is wanting to encourage you. He wants you to know His love for you and that He wants to be actively involved in your life, just like He has been in Tammy's. So much of this blog has been about what I have learned, so I would like to ask remind you to not hesitate to share what God is teaching you, if not in the comments here, then with someone you love. Maybe He is getting your attention for the encouragement of someone else as well.

Moving right along...

Remember, the Muppet Movie? That one phrase is boppin' through my head 'cause that's kinda what I feel like we are doin'.

Today was the first day of Occupational Therapy, which means they began to move her arms around. Those of you who have been in since she has been awake know that she has been raising her left arm and waving good-bye and hello. Lately she has even been able to raise it enough to scratch her nose and point to things. She is also using her left hand to hold the laser pointer when she wants to say something with the letter board. Because she is using her left arm more, it is in much better shape than the right arm.

Now the right arm...that is a different story. It is incredibly stiff because it spent 3 weeks in a heating pad to keep the circulation going. Then, she had a hematoma in her upper arm that basically bruised her from her shoulder all the way to her wrist. It is clearing up a bit, but it is incredibly tight. These things are all conspiring to make it more difficult to move her arm around. It hurt a bit when the therapist tested her range, so the therapist gave us homework. Thankfully Tammy understands how important it is to constantly work toward goals, so we are praying God super-humanly enables her muscles to gain in strength every day.

In 2 Samuel 22:29-37, David sang a song of victory after God delivered him from King Saul who once again tried to kill him. The song starts at the beginning of the chapter, but these verses seemed very poignant to me, especially when David spoke of how the Lord enabled him. Read with me:

You are my lamp, O LORD;
the LORD turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect;
the word of the LORD is flawless.
He is a shield
for all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the LORD ?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and makes my way perfect.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he enables me to stand on the heights.
He trains my hands for battle;
my arms can bend a bow of bronze.
You give me your shield of victory;
you stoop down to make me great.
You broaden the path beneath me,
so that my ankles do not turn.

Our darkness has been turned to light, and though unlike David, our battle is not over, our enemy is not defeated. But, with his help, Tammy can scale the wall. This is not the path anyone would have chosen for her, but it is His path, and He is providing the victory. It is He who is strengthening her spirit. It is He who is strengthening her leg muscles to allow her to push up and to stand. It is He who will help her train her hands for the battle ahead. (But please don't send her a bow and arrow set. I am too easy of a target!) It is also He who will shield her and give the victory. Yes, she has great spirit, but it is His Spirit alive and working in her and through your prayers that are making the difference in Tammy and her her recovery.

Friends and First Words

This weekend has been a good one for visiting with friends. Some of the people from church came by yesterday, and today, she got a visit from some of her work friends. She was sitting in the chair, so the timing was perfect. One of the girls made a poster with pictures of Tammy and some of the other dispatchers at work. She was able to laugh and goof around for a while.

We also have some poster boards that her cousin put letters on for us, and Tammy's brother, Danny, bought a laser pointer. With a little practice, she was able to point the laser at the letters. Actually she got so good at it that, when were giving her a hard time, she told us to "Back off!" Woo-hoo! The attitude lives!

It is so good to see her laughing, and it was almost as good to see her make people laugh! There are many things in the world that are precious, but to see the smile of someone you love has to be among the top 20. And they are even more precious when you have come through a time when you didn't think you would see it ever again. Actually, that really shouldn't be the case, should it? Every smile of a loved one should be a treasure. It is just really easy to take them for granted. We really don't have assurance that we have a tomorrow or a next time. So, the next smile, the next laugh you share with your kids, or your spouse, or your friends, or your sister, or your brother, or a grandparent...keep it close. Record the way their eyes sparkle. Does their nose wrinkle? Do they have dimple? Is it a short laugh, or a hold on to your sides and cry laugh? Is it a rumble? Does it carry into the next room or can you barely hear it at all? Why are they smiling? Should you do it again, or is the laugh a warning that you better not? Warning: They may look at you like you're crazy as they watch you looking at them. Just smile back and say, "I just like to see you smile." I guarantee, unless it is a teenager, that you will be rewarded with another smile to tuck away in your treasure box.

Late Night in the CVICU

Well, I will say Tammy is doing a wee bit better than the Mavs! We stayed up late last night watching the game, too bad we couldn't have celebrated a little more. But this morning, for some reason, I was exhausted. I've not watched much TV in weeks. Do you think it zapped my energy? It didn't have the same effect on Tammy; she really only naps at night, then sleeps during the day. So, if you come to visit and she falls asleep the whole time, don't take it personal.

We have been doing exercises this afternoon. She works up a sweat, so I know she is working hard. It is exciting to see her muscles engage and actually have results, regardless of how small. I have given her permission to say "enough," though she seldom does. She has about 10 different exercises, with 10 or 5 repetitions each, and all of them work the same few muscles. Occasionally we do a few less than 10, but she will do it if I ask her to try. But like everything, you can kinda tell when enough is enough.

It has been a crazy week for me, personally. There is a lot going on in the life of my family, and I have felt your prayers for me as well as for Tammy. All of us who have spent time here have had to make sacrifices and have had to make choices, sometimes difficult ones, to be here. There have been so many of you who have offered to help take care of us. Thank you on so many different levels. We praise God for each of you.

Getting in shape is much harder after 30...

...plus days on a vent! However, Tammy's strength amazes me. We, yes, we have homework this weekend. Add to my resume physical therapy assistant! She had her first session this morning and did phenomenally well. She was able to move her legs way better than I would have guessed. I was convicted that I am doing way too much of the little shuffling things for her. The bigger stuff, like lifting her legs onto a pillow, is beyond her, but she can readjust with a little help and some support. They are concentrating on her legs first because that will help her get into the chair on her own much faster. I would assume the larger the muscle, the harder the work. Nursing friends, is that correct?

After physical therapy, she went directly into the chair like yesterday. Today she stayed close to three hours. It still wears her out, so she always follows up with a nap. How ever it make her feel, it sure does my heart good to see her sitting upright. Troy says it does his too! But I am certain it is much easier for me to watch than it is for her to do, so she may not appreciate my excitement just yet!

The doctors say she is doing really well, however, they have not been changing the vent settings. My unprofessional theory is that they don't want her to have to work hard physically and work hard breathing at the same time. But I explicitly trust her lead physician, and I know he really likes her (how could he not!), so I know he is personally vested in her recovery as well. How blessed we are to have a doctor who cares more about her than about numbers.

My biggest frustration, the way I feel we let her down the most, is in our inability to communicate with her. We are guessing most of the time what she needs, and if it is something new that she hasn't asked for, or if she just wanted to make a comment, I am at a total loss. After the third or fourth guess, she closes her eyes, shakes her said, and in effect says, "Never mind." I have to come up with something better to say than, "I'm sorry." I imagine (because she can't tell me) that she is as sick of hearing it as I am of saying it! However, I can speak to other people, I can type on the computer. She just sits there, stuck with her own thoughts with other people's words swirling around her. We are working on a few things, like a letter and word board, so pray that it works. Or, if you have any experience with this kind of thing, let me know what you have done. We are so open to any suggestion.

To quote the Beatles, "O, You make me want to shout!"

They will tell of the power of Your awesome works,
and I will proclaim Your great deeds.
They will celebrate Your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of Your righteousness. Psalm 145:6-7

I am proclaiming! Are you listening? Actually, if you get really quiet, you might even be able to hear me laughing I am so happy. Tammy is sitting up in a chair! It is what they call a cardiac chair. The chair lays flat next to the bed then they slide her over onto the chair. Once she is settled, they sit her up! It was a little disconcerting, but they had her strapped in, so she is secure. She is also getting stronger with her left hand and arm, and today she isn't on any pain meds at all. They may put her back on them later if she gets to hurting, but she is OK right now. Her other numbers also are maintaining themselves well, so we may be getting up more often. She may also get to start physical therapy soon, so she can be strong when we get her off the vent.

Yes, her strength and bravery are key, but she herself will tell you, that strength and courage come from the One in whom she places her trust. Today join with me as I celebrate His abundant goodness because He is doing an awesome work in one amazing young lady.