Great Sunday at Tammy's Home Church

Tammy has been coming to church with us the last few weeks, but this weekend we decided to visit her home church, which is also the only church I have ever attended other than the one that we go to now. It was a glorious day to see people rejoice over seeing our girl. You see, it is this family of believers where Danny, Tammy, and I all began our spiritual walks with the Lord. This is the family that put up with us through our teenage years, lavishing their love and wisdom upon us. It is the place Danny and I met, married, dedicated our children, and where our children both were baptized. It is the place where I first learned that God wanted a relationship with me, not just wanted to save me so I could know Him in heaven.

These people are the one's who answered the call to prayer, coming to join us at the hospital when we lifted Tammy before the Lord. They answered my heart's prayer, the one that I wouldn't verbalize for fear that I would be wanting something for me, not because God intended it. They have modeled Christ before us for years and many seeds of faith in our life were sown by these faithful followers of the Lord. It is through the power of God in the lives of the prayer warriors of this church that God used to first prompt me to prayer. They are the ones who loved me in all the stupidity of my youth years. They are the ones who first entrusted me to lead and to teach. Many of those who know my soul, and know how far my soul has grown, are there.

When I sat looking around the congregation, I couldn't help think of the giants who have gone to the Kingdom. Nor could I ignore that there are babies that I rocked that are now men and women of faith. Some of the teenagers I had the honor of teaching now have teens of their own. I found myself praying that the seeds that I planted in their lives bore more good fruit than bad. I pray God's word spoken was more powerful than my inadequacies or the things I taught that maybe I didn't really understand. Oh, Jesus, grow stronger and more powerful in each of them. Show them the power of grace in their lives. (Mainly so that if the seeds bore rotten fruit, that they will show grace to me. Just joking! But I am much more forgiving of myself because of my understanding of grace now.)

There is much to be said of such a place, but the best thing about today was that Tammy was able to be there with me, with those who love her and who celebrated a miracle today.

"Forgetting what is behind...

...and straining toward what is ahead."  Phillipians 3:13b   

As I was sitting here trying to think how to get things started today, God reminded me of this verse.  It is very much where we are in our journey through the season in which God has placed us.  Just like Paul surely did not forget the past, he chose to press forward, not allowing the past to limit him today.  

Can I be honest?  This is hard for me to do.  After going through so much stress, after watching Tammy get so sick, after watching her get worse and worse, after pouring my soul out to our Lord, after watching Him answer prayer after prayer... it is hard not to have my actions today determined by my struggles of yesterdays.  You see, it wasn't but a few months that I had to scratch her nose, move her legs, change the channel on the remote, and push the button to call the nurse. And each step toward improvement brought a new set of challenges for me to help her through.  But, here's the catch, with each improvement, I catch myself wanting to limit her a bit, not wanting her to push too hard, because I know where she has come from and don't want her to hurt herself.  It is a bit of the worried momma bird who knows her chicks have to jump outta the nest to learn how to fly.  But what if they can't?  My temptation is to say, "I don't think so." Yet, I have to let her try to fly.

And, honestly, she is doing really well.  There are still some things I have to help with, but, honestly, my main job is chauffeur and oxygen tank manager.  I still have to "spot" her going up the stairs, but it is really more of a "just-in-case-she-slips" thing instead of a "she-won't-make the-last-few-stairs-without-me" thing.  Oh, and I help change the bandages on her hand.  I almost forgot that one.  And I am learning, (oh, OK, trying) to let her try things on her own, easy or hard, letting her learn her own limitations, and only saying no when I absolutely have to or when I can tell she really needs me to say no so she can give herself permission to rest. 

Before I forget, Tammy has a wound care appointment for her fingers tomorrow around 10:30.  Pray for her during that time.  We are anticipating a painful appointment if last week was any indication.  

But my lesson from this verse goes far beyond Tammy.  Too often I allow my limitations in the past to stop me from achieving  or attempting to achieve things now.  Why do think we do this? If our God can wipe away our sins, can He not surpass our limitations?  I think that we have succumbed to a deception of the enemy.  The best way from keeping us from being fully obedient to God is to convince us that we are not able to be obedient because we are lacking in some area required to complete the task.  

For example, it is a mild statement to say that I have a hard time keeping things organized.  I can organize things really well, but it is the day in and day out maintaining that provides the challenge.  However, God has placed me in a situation with Tammy where I must maintain order over this indefinite period of time, and it is absolutely beyond me!  I actually haven't even gotten things organized in the beginning of her return home because of a plethora of reasons.  Yet, this is where He has me, and it is hard to not feel inadequate and to keep from berating myself because of my shortcomings.

Do any of you find yourself in this place between stepping into the task and being afraid because you did such a lousy job in a similar situation?  Or do you feel you have disqualified yourself because of past mistakes?  If so, consider where Tammy would be if she had focused on what she had been through instead of trying to push herself to get better? What if she had said, "No more answered prayers, God. I have been so sick, and I can't imagine not being sick, so I will just stay sick."  I urge you, let it go.  Press on.  Look forward.  More importantly, MOVE forward.

Hot time, summer in the city...

Can you believe how hot it is already! Tuesday was the hottest day of the year so far.  We stayed inside as much of the day as we could.  The heat can fatigues so quickly, even on healthy bodies, so imagine what it does to Tammy!

She is doing so much better since she has been home this time.  Your prayers for her digestion are working.  We aren't sure if she is putting on any weight, but she is not as nauseous as she was before. The steps are much easier, even though she is still camping out downstairs.  I think that once she regains some of her muscle tone and gets her nutrition back on track, she will be trapsing the stairs several times a day.  For now, not so much.  

Since she has become a woman of leisure, which drives her absolutely crazy, Tammy's options for activity are limited.  Due to all the sitting and laying, she has a sore hip.  We are going to the doctor on Thursday to have him check it out.  We are asuming it is because of the inactivity.  Pray that we are correct and that there is nothing going on within her joints that will complicate her rehabilitation.  She doesn't have pain when she walks or moves, only when sitting for a long period of time.  

I have been struggling with the infrequency of my posts to you guys, but I pray that you realize that no news is pretty much good news. 

The only news that would be great news would be, "We are going in for transplant!"  We are so ready for that day.  Tammy is ready to get back on her motorcycle and get back to work.  It is pretty safe to say, she is ready to get back to her life.  She has even tried to convince me that she could slip these "mondo huge" oxygen tanks of hers into her saddle bags so she could cruise down the road.  Can you imagine?  My response, "UM...no!"  And she keeps telling people this is what she is going to do.  I think she is hoping some idiot will say, "Great idea!  I'll come over Friday to get you set up." (Let the record show, if you are that idiot, good luck getting outta my driveway!) All I can see is an arial view from a traffic helecopter of a huge crater in I-35 and can hear the reporter spouting rumors of a suicide bomber plan going awry.  Again, I ask, can you imagine?

Dear friends at the EPD and EFD, Tammy misses you guys.  She is not looking forward to long-term disability because she would much rather be there with you.  Please know that if she could be there for her shift tomorrow, she would be.  We are hoping to be able to arrange a visit after her therapy sometime in the next few weeks, so get ready!

Where's Tammy?

This could easily be the question of the week!  Poor kid!  Tammy did come home from rehab May 27th, but then she was back in for 24 hour observation by June 4th.  Except 24 hours turned into 7 days!  So finally this past Monday she was actually able to come home!  

Right now, she is camping out downstairs.  She gets too tired going up the stairs still, so we have moved her into the living room.  Keeps her in the middle of the action, too!  But, all in all, we are adjusting, we just don't quite have a smooth routine down just yet!

The reason she had to go back in the hospital is because she was a bit dehydrated because she couldn't keep food down.  There is some stuff going on with her stomach so we need you prayer warriors once again to intercede for her.  Her stomach is not emptying quick enough so it is easy for her to get too much in her stomach which causes the nausea.  She needs her stomach to kick back in and do it's job so that she can get the nutrition and the meds into her body.  And, girls please don't be jealous, but because of all of this, the doctors want her to actually gain some weight!  Great news for her taste buds!  Hours of temptation for me!  Ah, well...

I am sure God is up there laughing at my lamenting!  Of all the things to be groaning about, in light of everything else. . . So, I will quit, and I will trust Him to give me the power to say no.  God, more than anyone else, knows that if there is any saying "no" to something yummy, it is not from my own power, that too is only Him.

Oh, and a praise above all praises!  OUR FLOORS ARE DONE!   We have a little finish work to do like tacking down the carpet and reattaching baseboards, but thanks to great friends, great family, a fabulous master "Tile Man" (actually more of an artist), the audacity and initiative of a crazy red-headed cousin, and the Southlake Home Depot, our water damage has been completely erased.  Woo-hoo!  I am so humbled by all of those who came and spent hours with us on our hands and knees trying to get things finished on the floors.  And then there were the amazing ladies that came an cleaned my bathrooms and painted and cleaned some more. God bless them beyond measure. So now, all I have to do is move all the furniture back in place and surface clean the dust and floors one more time.  It is such a blessing beyond words.  I am still struggling with being blessed too much, but I also understand that with great gifts much is often required.  We are so looking forward to a flood of visitors.  Remember, this is Tammy's home now too.  You are welcome anytime, just call to make sure we are here!  Doctor's visits and pharmacy runs can keep us hopping.  Plus, we are hoping to get out and about some as Tammy builds her stamina.

Pray for us that we can get a rhythm.  Pray that my daughter can find a job soon.  Pray for Tammy's tummy.  Pray for patience on all our parts.  Pray for lungs to come soon.

Blessed too much?

Before I get to the question I asked Thursday, yet another blessing or two to share.  First of all, Tammy has been moved to a Rehab center down the street from the hospital.  If you need more info, text me or you can look me up on facebook.  Again, I hesitate to promote specifics on the site!  But WOW! From total sedation to improving enough to go to rehab!  God's wonders never cease.  He has provided in so many amazing ways, many of which I haven't shared, but trust me on this one.

So, did you think about the question?  Can a person be blessed too much by God?  

The only answer I have is the one that resonates within my spirit, which can only be the Holy Spirit rejoicing at the top of His lungs, “You can never get to the end of the blessings God pours out on you.”  I know it has to be the Holy Spirit, because the voice with in me is saying, “God, this is too much.  Howcome You keep saying yes to me.  Howcome You keep takin’ care of all this stuff for us.    And, why are you moving mountains and pocketbooks to take care of us?” Howcome us but not those people.”

You see, the “because you deserve it” thing . . . it blows my mind. Not even sure that it is true. I don’t feel like I deserve it. Actually, one of my greatest fears would be getting exactly what I deserve. How can any of us deserve anything apart from God's grace, ya know?  I began all of this asking Him to help Tammy for His glory.  And, by all that He is created, by all that He has done, it is to His glory, His reputation, His honor that she is walking laps, playing the Wii, and giving the Docs a hard time about their poor choices of sports teams. But it was really an odd sensation for me when I began to catch the overflow of His blessings.  It is hard to be a recipient of such amazing provision when it begins to feel it is on your own behalf.   Yes, I know the floors that He so miraculously provided are for Tammy’s health, but we will be enjoying them for a long time after she has moved back out on her own. (OK, not ever sure that statement about going out on her own would ever have come out of my mouth even a month ago.)

But now I realize my problem for what it really is . . . disbelief and pride.  Disbelief that God wants to pour blessings on me.  Disbelief in assuming He isn’t doing the same thing for someone else (ie. "why me and not them").  Pride that says that I have plenty to give to others, but I can’t take from them.  Arrogance in assuming He is pouring blessings upon me for me.  Remember my prayer?  He is doing this for His glory, not for me alone, but so that you would see how endless and abounding His love, yes, and His gifts are to each of us. That’s “howcome.”  OK, Lord.  I'm getting there.

Update on things at home and with Tammy

Obviously my creativity is lacking today. No catchy titles. Sorry.  It's not a bad thing, but I have been so negligent in my blogging that I have too many things to say and not even a great common denominator to tie it together.  I hope to give you the reader's digest condensed version.  Let's see how well I do.

Last time I wrote, Tammy had walked over 300 feet which is approximately the distance from her room, around the nurses station (the loop), and then back to her room one time.  Now, the girl is going two and a half times around the loop and then back to her room!  And she can get up out of bed with just a little stabilization!  She absolutely rocks!  

AND . . . trumpets, please!  She no longer has the trache.  They pulled the tubes this week and are allowing the wound to heal!  Which means . . . now a drum roll, if you don't mind . . . she may be moving to a rehab facility in the not too far off future!  And . . . if you haven't started jumping up and down yet, get outta your chair . . . it is possible if she does really well there, she could be home within a month.  I couldn't fathom 2 months ago that she would ever leave the hospital before the transplant!  I am dumbfounded at the possibility and swooning at all I have left to do! 

Speaking of stuff to do, Tammy has been as neglected by me as you guys have been.  We had two weekends of "fever and infection" in this Barnes household so, I saw her for the first time in two weeks yesterday.  And today, I didn't even get up there to give her a "third birthday" hug. You see, at 4:30 am on Mother's Day, May 14, 2006, we got a phone call saying she needed a ride to the hospital, she was getting her new breath of life that day.  It still makes me cry to think of that morning and how perfectly God orchestrated the entire day.  And, I am disappointed that I didn't make it up there to see Tammy today, or even get this blogged earlier in the day so you could call her and tell her Happy Birthday. So, if you get a chance, give her a belated call when you read this.  

I have been busy trying to get my home ready.  Home Depot Southlake donated tile for our bathroom and kitchen floors that had been damaged.  We have yet to lay it because we had to do some wall repair and repainting, and we have to shuffle furniture like crazy in order to be able to do the floor work. We also received a gift to allow us to replace the floor in our bedroom.  We already had the paint.  Plus, we are moving some of Tammy's stuff to storage so her sister and I have been packing.  Actually, mostly Tracie.  She is much more efficient than I am. We will move the rest of her things to our house once the "dust settles" but sometime before her lease is up.  I have started back to work, which is an adjustment on it's own.  (Much changes in a workplace in a month!)   And all of that can be reasons, or a list of excuses, as to why I haven't blogged at all.  However, none of these things really reflect all of the whys.

Over the next few days, I am hoping to share my heart with you.  About where I am, and what I am learning, and where things are going.  Today though, I wanted mostly to share Tammy's triumphs, not my questions.  I don't mean to seem cryptic, but I want to ask you . . . do you think there is a point where a person can receive more blessings from God than they can handle?  Let me know what you think.

300 Feet and Counting

Well, once again God has reminded me how little I understand about what He can accomplish.  This Saturday, Tammy walked 300 feet in one walk.  Of course, with a few stops for breaks, but she far surpassed the previous record of 170!  She hasn't been able to repeat those numbers yet, but she is on her regular rhythm.  She usually has a few days of slowing down before she picks back up the pace again. Besides, what do we have to but wait?

Today she also played the Wii.  She played her cousin a game of tennis an a couple of rounds of bowling.  Not too bad for left-handed and in the bed!  She even won a game of bowling.  She also has engaged the techs in a "war" of sorts.  Yesterday, one of the techs helped her work on her throwing aim so she could throw her koosh ball at one of the other techs this morning.  You would be proud!  She scared the tech to death and had a great laugh!  So later tonight, the evening tech may need to watch out.

Tonight's plans consist of Biggest Loser and cheering on the Mavs.  I write that hesitantly because the last time I announce which sporting event we were going to watch, our team (poor Stars) lost miserably.  Pray that is not the case.  She has been smack talking one of the docs about the game.  Though she is a gracious loser, she is also relentless when on the winning side. It would be a much more fun tomorrow.

I feel I also need to let you know that I am being purposely neglectful for the next few weeks while getting my house ready for her and moving her out of her apartment.  It is going to be a wee bit insane, so I ask for your patience.  It has been so long since my last post that I feel I am letting everyone down, but I assure you, if there is any urgent news, any amazing news, I will be online.  

Also, when we first get the call that we have a set of lungs coming, I am going to post as soon as I can, but it will not be until after she goes into surgery.  There are two reasons, both are somewhat selfish.  One, quite honestly, I'm not spending my last minutes with Tammy before she goes in to surgery typing to you guys.  Though you are important to me . . . please forgive my honest . . . she is a wee bit more important in that moment than you guys.  Reason 2 has more to do with getting everyone's hopes up.  The first time we got the call the last time, the doctors, upon removing them from the donor, determined that the lungs were unsuitable for transplant.  So, we were all excited and worried and nervous for nothing and had to go back to everyone and let them know.  I just want you blog followers to know up front what my "policy" will be before the time arises  

Now, let's just pray that I get to put the policy into use soon . . . really soon . . . Yes, Lord, I am still waiting, but soon would be really nice.