Free at last! Free at last!

Praise God Almighty! She is free at last! While I know that her struggle does not compare to the generations of oppression, but it has been such a season that I could not help but want to shout this quote from the top of the building. Tammy is off the vent! She is getting humidified oxygen blown past her trache opening and she is doing all the work of breathing on her own. As a matter of fact, normally they put the patient back on the vent for the night to "rest," but she is doing so much better that they are going to try to leave her off all night! When she rocks, she rocks!

I need to confess that I absolutely messed up yesterday. We do not yet get to hear her voice. This collar is like a mini oxygen mask that fits over her trache. If she does well with this they will put in another type of trache valve. It will allow the air to move past the vocal cords. She is looking forward to her new "robot" voice. The tube will divert the air a little which will distort the sound of her voice. She may be sounding a little like her favorite green creatures! Ribbit!
Anyway, at some point they will do a "swallow study" to see if she can swallow well enough to eat. As much as she is hoping to get some chocolate milk, we think the study will involve drinking some barium, and the thought of that makes her taste buds shudder. Pray it happens sooner than later.

Also, she is down to being able to move from bed to chair with the help of one person. I think part of that is because they are able to get closer to the bed and because she no longer has the chest tubes. But we celebrate anyway! The muscles in her legs are beginning to show more, and I am making her work to get them where she wants them. It seems to be helping a bit. All we can do is keep on adding a bit of resistance to build up so she can stand on her own.

All of this improvement is leaving me with a bit of a dilemma. We have been using numbers as markers to pray towards, and now I have to be a little more creative to lead us in specific praying. She is doing really well with her left hand, but her right hand is not quite ready for the same activity. Pray that she will be able to close her hand fully and make a fist. Also pray that she will be able to bend her arm enough to be able to touch her chin. Right now it is able to reach just below the point where the two sides of the ribcage come together. Also pray that she will be able to pull her legs up to . . . how can I explain it. Imagine you are in a recliner and your legs are stretched out with your calves on the foot rest. Then, you decide to pull your legs up so that you can rest your feet on the foot rest, so your legs make a shape like a tent. I hope you can picture it because that is what we are shooting for!

It has been a pretty great day. I realize that these posts have taken a shift from "a little bit of Tammy update and lots of scripture" to "lots of Tammy stuff and a little scripture." I know that most of you only have a little time, and there is so much going on with her right now, that I do not want to neglect giving you information nor do I want to impose on your time. So, I pray you know, God is still very much in every step being taken. And He will be there when she actually takes her first steps. We are blessed beyond words, even when I feel I have used too many in one post. Til tomorrow. . . All God's blessings to you today.

Whispers of Change

Change can sometimes cause people to cringe. As you can imagine, lately, that has been cause for celebrations. There are no real promises yet, but we are getting close. We have not seen the doctor today. It is clinic day on top of the crazy number of transplant patients in ICU, so he has been quite a busy man today. So, we are waiting patiently.

Great news! When I started typing this, Tammy still had the chest tube, but right now, as I type, the doctors are in there removing it! Woo-hoo! That is one of the whispers I was going to mention that has now turned into a shout and a happy dance!

The other whisper is that possibly . . . maybe . . . hopefully . . . God-willing . . . they may try to put her on a trache collar. Which means, are you ready for this? That means that she will have oxygen only, and that she would be able to talk! Now, that is only a whisper, and that is only my current understanding of what that means. It is possible for her to have machine support if she needs it as well, but we are hoping she will be able to pull that off.

The main reason we don't know for certain that this is going to happen has more to do with how she was feeling this morning. She was coughing quite a bit last night, and this morning, she "just didn't feel good." Her breathing has been a little shallow and she has been tired. But, as the day has progressed, she has felt better. It really is a toss up. So pray fervently and I am certain the whisper will become a shout as well.

She sends her love to everyone and is humbled by how much you love her. She is always shocked to see how high the hits have gotten. I share them with her every day. Just as you will never know the full impact of your prayers on eternity, I know you could never understand the impact they are having on her spirits. Thank you, most humbly and with all of our gratitude.

The post that wouldn't post

Ok, I am just going to start out being honest. I have written this post twice, and tried to post it five times. There is nothing that boggles the mind more than what happens when you hit a button on the computer and things start disappearing. For that reason, this post has not been spell checked, nor am I going to waste time reading over what I have written. However, I need you to know that I am praying that God will remind me of all that I wrote before so that I do not miss anything He intended me to say, and that I will be sensitive enough to eliminate whatever He wanted me to omit.

This weekend at the women's retreat that I attended, an friend of mine shared a passage of scripture with us that God has been using in her life in a powerful way recently. I knew the passage, but had not come across it recently, and when she finished I wanted to stand up and shout! Of course, being the reserved, calm, mature church lady that I am (HA!), I refrained from the impulse. However, I will not resist the urge to share these words with you.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 4:7-8, 16-17

My friends, we have been pressed and perplexed. I am not sure about persecuted, but I assure Tammy's body was definitely struck down. But we are not crushed, nor are we in dispair. We were never abandoned, and no matter what we will never be destroyed. We are all painfully aware that our bodies are really only jars of clay: formed for a purpose, yet fragile, able to be cracked and then repaired, but not without a scar. And why? To show that the all-surpassing power to heal, to alter situations, to have peace, to be strong, to persevere, to save a soul, to tranform a life, to move on, to press on, to give more, to do more, to survive more - this power comes from God. It is important to remember, it doesn't come from Tammy nor from the love of Tammy, not from her family nor their dedication, not from the doctors nor their medications, not from reason, nor chance, nor coincidence, nor karma - it comes from our God! There is no God but our God. And even in the midst of what we are going through, we have been reminded over and over by our waiting room friends, our horrid troubles are only light and temporary. Light, because of Christ bearing us through, and temporary, because like all seasons, eventually this season will pass. One day! O, one day! Our enternity will be glorious!

Now, for Tammy's current struggle, this weekend has been pretty good. She was able to have the smaller chest tube removed, and she isn't on pain meds anymore. The med she was on made her a little spaced out and a whole lot tired, so she is glad to be done with it I think. She has been making up for lost time teasing her family. It has been a busy weekend in CVICU because they have done two transplants in two days. Because of that, Tam has been moved to a new room in the unit. She is still in isolation, so when you come, make sure you ask where you can clean up and get your mask and gloves. The room is one of the smaller rooms, so we probably ought to be more diligent about the "two at a time" rule. Sorry, the room's just not very big.

I would like one more time to ask you to allow me to ask for prayer, this time, closer to my heart. My dad's mom, my Nanny, is 90+ years old and she is not doing very well mentally, emotinally, and more than likely, spiritually as well. She is beginning to lose touch with what is real and what is not. I wish I could say she was slipping into blissful memories, but that is not the case. All of her thoughts are leaning toward the horrid and scary. She is constantly afraid, and though she is in no danger, she is unable to reason with herself. Every bad story is her reality. In order to protect her privacy and her dignity, I will not elaborate further. I beg and implore you to please lift her in your prayers this week. We know that "perfect love casts out all fear," so pray God's perfect love permeates her mind, heart, and soul.

Pardon me please...

While I adjust my rhythm. I am no longer staying nights at the hospital, so I am having to find times to blog and give my kiddos some long needed attention, plus all the other stuff that goes along with being at home. I mean, now I have to make my own bed, wash and fold my own towels, and if I need a soda, I am going to have to squeeze in time to go to the grocery store. Granted life will be a lot less expensive, but it will definitely be busier. But it is worth it.

Tammy is also adjusting to the chest tubes. She did sit in the recliner again yesterday, but she was a little nauseous. I think that is because of the pain meds, plus they changed the formulation of her liquid diet. We are trying to get enough nutrition into her to allow her to get stronger and heal, but her stomach is having a hard time adjusting to the volume of food she needs. Plus, when she moves, the tubes hurt. She's not quite sure how to explain it, but as she said, "It's not fun."

She did get a visit from her supervisors at the EPD. I think it made her day to see them. They came to deliver a card and some good news, but . . . that is all I am going to tell you about the news. For many of you, it is not a secret, for those of you who don't . . . you'll have to check back next weekend to find out. Yes, that is a shameless teaser, but I want to be able to tell the whole story, and it won't be finished until next week, so . . . there you go!

Nighttime is going pretty well for her as well. Of course, she has been on pain meds that have her sleeping like a rock on a sunny hillside. She has encouraged us both nights to go home. I am so thankful to God that He has brought us to this place. Every step toward getting closer to another transplant is a step prepared by God. Every trip home is a trip prepared by Him. Dare we even allow our selves to explore that thought further? Yes, sometimes the road seems tragic. (There has been a lot of that in the ICU this last few weeks.) Sometimes, it seems we are hanging on the side of a cliff, nevermind considering a road. But none of it is a surprise for Him. So, ask Him why He has you where you are, right at this time, for what purpose. The answers do not always come easy. In some situations, it never comes easy. You may need to sit alone, rocking, crying, wailing, begging for a hint of a clue. But let me encourage you, make sure you don't go there alone. Take God and His Word with you. Read the book of James or begin going through the Psalms, one at a time. Read until He gives you a glimpse of His plan or some comfort for you to cling to. Of one thing I am certain. If you look for Him, if you long for Him, if you are willing to search Him out . . . you will find Him. That is my experience, but that is not my promise. It's His.

You can run, but you can't hide!

I kinda feel like I am writing a western novel. Yesterday, we dodged bullets, but today we hear the ominous threat of the bad guys, warning us that they are going to pay us back one way or the other. It is funny how life takes a theme.

Today, the bullet caught us. Tammy ended up have to get a chest tube, actually two tubes. Her lung had deflated in a small area at the top and a larger area at the bottom of her LEFT lung. (Earlier a respiratory therapist told us it was the right, shows what they know.) The area in the middle remained "inflated" but what we think happened was scar tissue was holding it open, preventing it from collapsing. They decided to use the two tubes to drain the appropriate areas of her lung. She was feeling OK when I left her for the evening break, but she said the whole process hurts. I foresee an evening of pain killers . . . and maybe an opportunity to collect some blackmail material.

We do have one small victory to proclaim. Actually it was really a big hurdle. She was able to sit in a recliner for the first time today, not the cardiac chair, but the real recliner. Just so you can understand just how amazing this feat is for her. First, she has to use her abdominal muscles move herself into a sitting position while the nurse swings her legs over the side of the bed. Then once she gets to the side of the be she has to hold herself upright until they get the iv tubes, trache tubing, and all the other paraphernalia positioned just right. Next comes the slide off the edge of the bed onto two feet who haven't been on the floor since the 7th of February. Her legs, which have been robbed of the purpose they were created for, have to lift her and stabilize her enough to allow her to spin around so she can be in the right position. Even with the strength of two nurses, the burden of having to work causes them to shake and quiver, challenging her equilibrium and her stability. Once she is in position, the nurses help her ease into the chair. By this time, her legs have just about had it. Finally the reward, she gets to kick back in the recliner and feel secure and somewhat normal for the first time in a long time. Only to follow the reward with having to do everything again, only backwards. It was an exhausting morning.

When you are done reading this and you move away from you computer, think about every movement that has to come together to make that happen. Then praise God that you, dear friend, are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139.

I am also hit with the realization that I am so very blessed even though sometimes we try to run away from God and His truth, God lets us run, yet, beloved creation of God, we can never, ever hide. He is just waiting for us to turn and look back. He is right there waiting.

Well, dodged the bullet one more day...

They still haven't ruled out the possibility of the chest tube. Tammy's blood is still a little thin, so they don't want to risk the possibility of extra bleeding without knowing for sure if it will help her feel better. Her stats have been fine up to this point even though it is still a little tough to breathe. She's not in pain, she just has to work harder. The lung has not inflated any further, but it does not appear to be getting worse at this time. We are hoping it will begin to show signs of improvement on the next x-rays. They had upped her oxygen to 100% because that can help the hole in her lung to heal. Today they decreased it to 60% to allow her to get used to a lower level before they go back, to the 40% she was used to. And, here is a number you haven't heard in a while, her PEEP has been lowered to 4. It has been at 5 for 3 weeks now, and I didn't think they were going to lower it again. Shows what I know. They also lowered her pressure support to 10%. Remember, we are asking God to lower that to between 5 and 8, so they can try her off the vent. I am not sure if they will attempt that until her lung gets better. We will see.

Tammy is feeling better. I know for sure because she is begging for chocolate milk. Nestle's Chocolate Milk. Not from the powder. The already mixed kind you get in the dairy section. When someone is that specific, you can tell it has become a bit of an obsession. I have gotten to the place where I feel bad every time I go out to get a drink of water. I generally just say that I need to step out for a minute, or I wait until she sleeps.

Speaking of sleeping, she and I both skipped that last night. YAWN! She was coughing a lot, and we had a rookie nurse. Enough said? I am not generally a complainer, but I didn't want to leave her knowing she was needing help. Thankfully, the day nurse was much better, and her coughing was not as severe, so I was able to take a nap (like a 4.5 hour one) this afternoon. It should be interesting to see how tonight goes. So far, no coughing, but I am not going to mention it out loud. Oh, and as to why she was coughing, no clue she was just much more sensitive to sensations in her throat. Pray for good sleep and no discomfort.

Tenacity

"Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than just hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being too afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effot of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered, . . . Remain spirtually tenacious."
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, February 22

After reading this quote that was in my Bible Study for today, I have decided that "tenacious" is my new favorite word for describing Tammy! Her response to lung disease from the very beginning has born the proof of her tenacity. She was doing much more than "hangin' in there," she has looked forward with confidence. There has seldom been any "ifs" in her conversations, alway she says "when." She is convinced that God is with her and He is going to finish whatever it was that He started in her. And, it is great to know that her confidence has also been supported now by proof.

There a some of you that she has met because of the first transplant. There are some of you who have watched her live life, and know these things are true. There are those of you who are encouraged through your own struggles because Tammy has been going through so much and hasn't stopped moving forward. There are those of you who knew Tammy before and realize that at times, when she is well, that you can't even tell a difference because she still laughs as easy, still jokes as much, and keeps pushing herself even physically. There are some of you who have never even met her, but know someone who has, and this story of God's love for her, this story of His power transforming her life and restoring her health, has become an encouragement to you.

You see, even while she is lying in the bed, dependent on someone to read her lips for communication, even with a collapsed lung (no new word today on that), God is still fulfilling His purpose in her life. It is her confidence that God is already victorious in her life. She doesn't preach it. She doesn't drag it in to every conversation, though she is not shy about it. What she does do - loudly, clearly, and pointedly - is LIVE it.