Not our day

So it didn't work out.  Pray for all of us to handle our disappointment, but we are thankful that they are being cautious and have her best interest in mind.  These lungs shared two "markers" with the lungs she is already rejecting, so the risk of her rejecting the new ones were too high to take the risk.  And they DO NOT do third transplants.  So, we can't take that chance.

We are not losing heart.  But our God is good and He has her in His hands and has from the beginning. So we move forward.  However, pretty bummed is a great discription of where we are.

Upside...  Now we can eat?

Let you know more later.

Dancin' ... Yeah! (think BeeGee's)

It's a great day to get some lungs! 

So, this is where we are:   So far everything looks good, but they are proceeding cautiously.  They are checking EVERYTHING to make certain that any discrepancy between the tissues will not cause any complications.  They have not gone to get the lungs from the donor yet, so it is gonna be a long day.  

In the waiting time, pray with us...

... for everything to continue to look good so that the transplant will go forward.

... for nerves to be calm and at peace, Tammy's and the rest of us!

... for God's presence to guide all who are involved so they will rely on His wisdom which is so far beyond our understanding.

... for His glory again to be made known.

... for Him to bless Tammy with healing.

... for the family of the donor, that they will have peace, that they will know the gift they are giving is not one that we take for granted, that the God of all comfort will minister to them in their grief. 

I am so excited that I can hardly sit still, so I apologize for the choppiness of my words.  But I do have to acknowledge one more thing before I go.

Chief Brown, you said that you were ready for me to start writing on the blog again.  I guess when Chief Brown wants something even the transplant office has to listen!  Love it!  

Keep checking today.  As we get info, I will be updating!

Stating the obvious

When things began to settle down, it has been difficult to stay on track on this blog.  Not because God was not working, but because so much of what He has been doing in our lives has not been related to the original purpose of this blog.  I felt incredibly odd using a blog, created to keep you up to date with Tammy, to share the things He was teaching me every day.  So, I haven't written in ages. 


I will not bore you, nor overload you, with all that God has been doing, the trials my family has been through, nor with the victories we have experienced since my last post.  But I wanted you to know that I am going to hold off on posting here until Tammy gets her new "breathing equipment."  


Please pray that the time will come soon!  The heat is harsh, and her lungs are tired.  Join with me in prayer, storm heaven with requests for her to receive her transplant soon.  Tomorrow would be great.  Hmmm...even the next few minutes.  Renew your efforts to pray for her.  The crisis has passed, praise God.  But we are really only a cold or small virus away from another one.  Now that she is home, I want her to stay out of the hospital until the call comes.


I may also be creating a new blog in the coming days.  I will be posting info on FaceBook when I do.  I mention that only because so many of you were so encouraging to me, not just in your support through prayer for Tammy, but in encouraging me to move forward with writing and speaking.  It was such a confirmation of the direction I felt God was leading me, but that I didn't dare dream He could use me in such a way.  So if you are interested, look me up on FaceBook.


But hopefully, God, in all of His goodness, will provide lungs soon so that I can be back here with you soon...please, Jesus, really soon.

How many of you ate too much yesterday?

Tammy may shoot me for sharing, but I think she may have ate one too many bites of watermelon! With her stomach not working like it is supposed to, sometimes one bite can push things over the edge, and today she looks a little miserable. I can't say exactly how she is feeling because she is still sleeping! Pray that when she wakes she will feel better and that by tomorrow she will be back to normal.

Isn't it funny that when we celebrate we tend to push limits? I haven't quite figured out why we believe that on "this" day our stomachs will be bigger, there are no calories in food, there is no end to our energy, and even when the day ends, there is still the night! Aren't we funny creatures? We tend to do the same in crisis, but instead of excess, we go into deprivation. No time for food, don't need to sleep, can't be bothered to plan, will this day never end?

Do we forget ourselves so easily? Or are we just so controlled by circumstances that we are oblivious to the reality of who and what we are?

If you are one of these people, ask yourself, pray to God and ask Him to show you, what your reasons are. I am realizing as I am typing that this goes way deeper than just holidays, and in some ways that affect my patterns for living. Some patterns that need to be broken, crushed, and left behind. Pray for me and I will pray for you as well.

And, let's all pray that Tammy's lungs come soon.

Great Sunday at Tammy's Home Church

Tammy has been coming to church with us the last few weeks, but this weekend we decided to visit her home church, which is also the only church I have ever attended other than the one that we go to now. It was a glorious day to see people rejoice over seeing our girl. You see, it is this family of believers where Danny, Tammy, and I all began our spiritual walks with the Lord. This is the family that put up with us through our teenage years, lavishing their love and wisdom upon us. It is the place Danny and I met, married, dedicated our children, and where our children both were baptized. It is the place where I first learned that God wanted a relationship with me, not just wanted to save me so I could know Him in heaven.

These people are the one's who answered the call to prayer, coming to join us at the hospital when we lifted Tammy before the Lord. They answered my heart's prayer, the one that I wouldn't verbalize for fear that I would be wanting something for me, not because God intended it. They have modeled Christ before us for years and many seeds of faith in our life were sown by these faithful followers of the Lord. It is through the power of God in the lives of the prayer warriors of this church that God used to first prompt me to prayer. They are the ones who loved me in all the stupidity of my youth years. They are the ones who first entrusted me to lead and to teach. Many of those who know my soul, and know how far my soul has grown, are there.

When I sat looking around the congregation, I couldn't help think of the giants who have gone to the Kingdom. Nor could I ignore that there are babies that I rocked that are now men and women of faith. Some of the teenagers I had the honor of teaching now have teens of their own. I found myself praying that the seeds that I planted in their lives bore more good fruit than bad. I pray God's word spoken was more powerful than my inadequacies or the things I taught that maybe I didn't really understand. Oh, Jesus, grow stronger and more powerful in each of them. Show them the power of grace in their lives. (Mainly so that if the seeds bore rotten fruit, that they will show grace to me. Just joking! But I am much more forgiving of myself because of my understanding of grace now.)

There is much to be said of such a place, but the best thing about today was that Tammy was able to be there with me, with those who love her and who celebrated a miracle today.

"Forgetting what is behind...

...and straining toward what is ahead."  Phillipians 3:13b   

As I was sitting here trying to think how to get things started today, God reminded me of this verse.  It is very much where we are in our journey through the season in which God has placed us.  Just like Paul surely did not forget the past, he chose to press forward, not allowing the past to limit him today.  

Can I be honest?  This is hard for me to do.  After going through so much stress, after watching Tammy get so sick, after watching her get worse and worse, after pouring my soul out to our Lord, after watching Him answer prayer after prayer... it is hard not to have my actions today determined by my struggles of yesterdays.  You see, it wasn't but a few months that I had to scratch her nose, move her legs, change the channel on the remote, and push the button to call the nurse. And each step toward improvement brought a new set of challenges for me to help her through.  But, here's the catch, with each improvement, I catch myself wanting to limit her a bit, not wanting her to push too hard, because I know where she has come from and don't want her to hurt herself.  It is a bit of the worried momma bird who knows her chicks have to jump outta the nest to learn how to fly.  But what if they can't?  My temptation is to say, "I don't think so." Yet, I have to let her try to fly.

And, honestly, she is doing really well.  There are still some things I have to help with, but, honestly, my main job is chauffeur and oxygen tank manager.  I still have to "spot" her going up the stairs, but it is really more of a "just-in-case-she-slips" thing instead of a "she-won't-make the-last-few-stairs-without-me" thing.  Oh, and I help change the bandages on her hand.  I almost forgot that one.  And I am learning, (oh, OK, trying) to let her try things on her own, easy or hard, letting her learn her own limitations, and only saying no when I absolutely have to or when I can tell she really needs me to say no so she can give herself permission to rest. 

Before I forget, Tammy has a wound care appointment for her fingers tomorrow around 10:30.  Pray for her during that time.  We are anticipating a painful appointment if last week was any indication.  

But my lesson from this verse goes far beyond Tammy.  Too often I allow my limitations in the past to stop me from achieving  or attempting to achieve things now.  Why do think we do this? If our God can wipe away our sins, can He not surpass our limitations?  I think that we have succumbed to a deception of the enemy.  The best way from keeping us from being fully obedient to God is to convince us that we are not able to be obedient because we are lacking in some area required to complete the task.  

For example, it is a mild statement to say that I have a hard time keeping things organized.  I can organize things really well, but it is the day in and day out maintaining that provides the challenge.  However, God has placed me in a situation with Tammy where I must maintain order over this indefinite period of time, and it is absolutely beyond me!  I actually haven't even gotten things organized in the beginning of her return home because of a plethora of reasons.  Yet, this is where He has me, and it is hard to not feel inadequate and to keep from berating myself because of my shortcomings.

Do any of you find yourself in this place between stepping into the task and being afraid because you did such a lousy job in a similar situation?  Or do you feel you have disqualified yourself because of past mistakes?  If so, consider where Tammy would be if she had focused on what she had been through instead of trying to push herself to get better? What if she had said, "No more answered prayers, God. I have been so sick, and I can't imagine not being sick, so I will just stay sick."  I urge you, let it go.  Press on.  Look forward.  More importantly, MOVE forward.

Hot time, summer in the city...

Can you believe how hot it is already! Tuesday was the hottest day of the year so far.  We stayed inside as much of the day as we could.  The heat can fatigues so quickly, even on healthy bodies, so imagine what it does to Tammy!

She is doing so much better since she has been home this time.  Your prayers for her digestion are working.  We aren't sure if she is putting on any weight, but she is not as nauseous as she was before. The steps are much easier, even though she is still camping out downstairs.  I think that once she regains some of her muscle tone and gets her nutrition back on track, she will be trapsing the stairs several times a day.  For now, not so much.  

Since she has become a woman of leisure, which drives her absolutely crazy, Tammy's options for activity are limited.  Due to all the sitting and laying, she has a sore hip.  We are going to the doctor on Thursday to have him check it out.  We are asuming it is because of the inactivity.  Pray that we are correct and that there is nothing going on within her joints that will complicate her rehabilitation.  She doesn't have pain when she walks or moves, only when sitting for a long period of time.  

I have been struggling with the infrequency of my posts to you guys, but I pray that you realize that no news is pretty much good news. 

The only news that would be great news would be, "We are going in for transplant!"  We are so ready for that day.  Tammy is ready to get back on her motorcycle and get back to work.  It is pretty safe to say, she is ready to get back to her life.  She has even tried to convince me that she could slip these "mondo huge" oxygen tanks of hers into her saddle bags so she could cruise down the road.  Can you imagine?  My response, "UM...no!"  And she keeps telling people this is what she is going to do.  I think she is hoping some idiot will say, "Great idea!  I'll come over Friday to get you set up." (Let the record show, if you are that idiot, good luck getting outta my driveway!) All I can see is an arial view from a traffic helecopter of a huge crater in I-35 and can hear the reporter spouting rumors of a suicide bomber plan going awry.  Again, I ask, can you imagine?

Dear friends at the EPD and EFD, Tammy misses you guys.  She is not looking forward to long-term disability because she would much rather be there with you.  Please know that if she could be there for her shift tomorrow, she would be.  We are hoping to be able to arrange a visit after her therapy sometime in the next few weeks, so get ready!

Where's Tammy?

This could easily be the question of the week!  Poor kid!  Tammy did come home from rehab May 27th, but then she was back in for 24 hour observation by June 4th.  Except 24 hours turned into 7 days!  So finally this past Monday she was actually able to come home!  

Right now, she is camping out downstairs.  She gets too tired going up the stairs still, so we have moved her into the living room.  Keeps her in the middle of the action, too!  But, all in all, we are adjusting, we just don't quite have a smooth routine down just yet!

The reason she had to go back in the hospital is because she was a bit dehydrated because she couldn't keep food down.  There is some stuff going on with her stomach so we need you prayer warriors once again to intercede for her.  Her stomach is not emptying quick enough so it is easy for her to get too much in her stomach which causes the nausea.  She needs her stomach to kick back in and do it's job so that she can get the nutrition and the meds into her body.  And, girls please don't be jealous, but because of all of this, the doctors want her to actually gain some weight!  Great news for her taste buds!  Hours of temptation for me!  Ah, well...

I am sure God is up there laughing at my lamenting!  Of all the things to be groaning about, in light of everything else. . . So, I will quit, and I will trust Him to give me the power to say no.  God, more than anyone else, knows that if there is any saying "no" to something yummy, it is not from my own power, that too is only Him.

Oh, and a praise above all praises!  OUR FLOORS ARE DONE!   We have a little finish work to do like tacking down the carpet and reattaching baseboards, but thanks to great friends, great family, a fabulous master "Tile Man" (actually more of an artist), the audacity and initiative of a crazy red-headed cousin, and the Southlake Home Depot, our water damage has been completely erased.  Woo-hoo!  I am so humbled by all of those who came and spent hours with us on our hands and knees trying to get things finished on the floors.  And then there were the amazing ladies that came an cleaned my bathrooms and painted and cleaned some more. God bless them beyond measure. So now, all I have to do is move all the furniture back in place and surface clean the dust and floors one more time.  It is such a blessing beyond words.  I am still struggling with being blessed too much, but I also understand that with great gifts much is often required.  We are so looking forward to a flood of visitors.  Remember, this is Tammy's home now too.  You are welcome anytime, just call to make sure we are here!  Doctor's visits and pharmacy runs can keep us hopping.  Plus, we are hoping to get out and about some as Tammy builds her stamina.

Pray for us that we can get a rhythm.  Pray that my daughter can find a job soon.  Pray for Tammy's tummy.  Pray for patience on all our parts.  Pray for lungs to come soon.

Blessed too much?

Before I get to the question I asked Thursday, yet another blessing or two to share.  First of all, Tammy has been moved to a Rehab center down the street from the hospital.  If you need more info, text me or you can look me up on facebook.  Again, I hesitate to promote specifics on the site!  But WOW! From total sedation to improving enough to go to rehab!  God's wonders never cease.  He has provided in so many amazing ways, many of which I haven't shared, but trust me on this one.

So, did you think about the question?  Can a person be blessed too much by God?  

The only answer I have is the one that resonates within my spirit, which can only be the Holy Spirit rejoicing at the top of His lungs, “You can never get to the end of the blessings God pours out on you.”  I know it has to be the Holy Spirit, because the voice with in me is saying, “God, this is too much.  Howcome You keep saying yes to me.  Howcome You keep takin’ care of all this stuff for us.    And, why are you moving mountains and pocketbooks to take care of us?” Howcome us but not those people.”

You see, the “because you deserve it” thing . . . it blows my mind. Not even sure that it is true. I don’t feel like I deserve it. Actually, one of my greatest fears would be getting exactly what I deserve. How can any of us deserve anything apart from God's grace, ya know?  I began all of this asking Him to help Tammy for His glory.  And, by all that He is created, by all that He has done, it is to His glory, His reputation, His honor that she is walking laps, playing the Wii, and giving the Docs a hard time about their poor choices of sports teams. But it was really an odd sensation for me when I began to catch the overflow of His blessings.  It is hard to be a recipient of such amazing provision when it begins to feel it is on your own behalf.   Yes, I know the floors that He so miraculously provided are for Tammy’s health, but we will be enjoying them for a long time after she has moved back out on her own. (OK, not ever sure that statement about going out on her own would ever have come out of my mouth even a month ago.)

But now I realize my problem for what it really is . . . disbelief and pride.  Disbelief that God wants to pour blessings on me.  Disbelief in assuming He isn’t doing the same thing for someone else (ie. "why me and not them").  Pride that says that I have plenty to give to others, but I can’t take from them.  Arrogance in assuming He is pouring blessings upon me for me.  Remember my prayer?  He is doing this for His glory, not for me alone, but so that you would see how endless and abounding His love, yes, and His gifts are to each of us. That’s “howcome.”  OK, Lord.  I'm getting there.

Update on things at home and with Tammy

Obviously my creativity is lacking today. No catchy titles. Sorry.  It's not a bad thing, but I have been so negligent in my blogging that I have too many things to say and not even a great common denominator to tie it together.  I hope to give you the reader's digest condensed version.  Let's see how well I do.

Last time I wrote, Tammy had walked over 300 feet which is approximately the distance from her room, around the nurses station (the loop), and then back to her room one time.  Now, the girl is going two and a half times around the loop and then back to her room!  And she can get up out of bed with just a little stabilization!  She absolutely rocks!  

AND . . . trumpets, please!  She no longer has the trache.  They pulled the tubes this week and are allowing the wound to heal!  Which means . . . now a drum roll, if you don't mind . . . she may be moving to a rehab facility in the not too far off future!  And . . . if you haven't started jumping up and down yet, get outta your chair . . . it is possible if she does really well there, she could be home within a month.  I couldn't fathom 2 months ago that she would ever leave the hospital before the transplant!  I am dumbfounded at the possibility and swooning at all I have left to do! 

Speaking of stuff to do, Tammy has been as neglected by me as you guys have been.  We had two weekends of "fever and infection" in this Barnes household so, I saw her for the first time in two weeks yesterday.  And today, I didn't even get up there to give her a "third birthday" hug. You see, at 4:30 am on Mother's Day, May 14, 2006, we got a phone call saying she needed a ride to the hospital, she was getting her new breath of life that day.  It still makes me cry to think of that morning and how perfectly God orchestrated the entire day.  And, I am disappointed that I didn't make it up there to see Tammy today, or even get this blogged earlier in the day so you could call her and tell her Happy Birthday. So, if you get a chance, give her a belated call when you read this.  

I have been busy trying to get my home ready.  Home Depot Southlake donated tile for our bathroom and kitchen floors that had been damaged.  We have yet to lay it because we had to do some wall repair and repainting, and we have to shuffle furniture like crazy in order to be able to do the floor work. We also received a gift to allow us to replace the floor in our bedroom.  We already had the paint.  Plus, we are moving some of Tammy's stuff to storage so her sister and I have been packing.  Actually, mostly Tracie.  She is much more efficient than I am. We will move the rest of her things to our house once the "dust settles" but sometime before her lease is up.  I have started back to work, which is an adjustment on it's own.  (Much changes in a workplace in a month!)   And all of that can be reasons, or a list of excuses, as to why I haven't blogged at all.  However, none of these things really reflect all of the whys.

Over the next few days, I am hoping to share my heart with you.  About where I am, and what I am learning, and where things are going.  Today though, I wanted mostly to share Tammy's triumphs, not my questions.  I don't mean to seem cryptic, but I want to ask you . . . do you think there is a point where a person can receive more blessings from God than they can handle?  Let me know what you think.

300 Feet and Counting

Well, once again God has reminded me how little I understand about what He can accomplish.  This Saturday, Tammy walked 300 feet in one walk.  Of course, with a few stops for breaks, but she far surpassed the previous record of 170!  She hasn't been able to repeat those numbers yet, but she is on her regular rhythm.  She usually has a few days of slowing down before she picks back up the pace again. Besides, what do we have to but wait?

Today she also played the Wii.  She played her cousin a game of tennis an a couple of rounds of bowling.  Not too bad for left-handed and in the bed!  She even won a game of bowling.  She also has engaged the techs in a "war" of sorts.  Yesterday, one of the techs helped her work on her throwing aim so she could throw her koosh ball at one of the other techs this morning.  You would be proud!  She scared the tech to death and had a great laugh!  So later tonight, the evening tech may need to watch out.

Tonight's plans consist of Biggest Loser and cheering on the Mavs.  I write that hesitantly because the last time I announce which sporting event we were going to watch, our team (poor Stars) lost miserably.  Pray that is not the case.  She has been smack talking one of the docs about the game.  Though she is a gracious loser, she is also relentless when on the winning side. It would be a much more fun tomorrow.

I feel I also need to let you know that I am being purposely neglectful for the next few weeks while getting my house ready for her and moving her out of her apartment.  It is going to be a wee bit insane, so I ask for your patience.  It has been so long since my last post that I feel I am letting everyone down, but I assure you, if there is any urgent news, any amazing news, I will be online.  

Also, when we first get the call that we have a set of lungs coming, I am going to post as soon as I can, but it will not be until after she goes into surgery.  There are two reasons, both are somewhat selfish.  One, quite honestly, I'm not spending my last minutes with Tammy before she goes in to surgery typing to you guys.  Though you are important to me . . . please forgive my honest . . . she is a wee bit more important in that moment than you guys.  Reason 2 has more to do with getting everyone's hopes up.  The first time we got the call the last time, the doctors, upon removing them from the donor, determined that the lungs were unsuitable for transplant.  So, we were all excited and worried and nervous for nothing and had to go back to everyone and let them know.  I just want you blog followers to know up front what my "policy" will be before the time arises  

Now, let's just pray that I get to put the policy into use soon . . . really soon . . . Yes, Lord, I am still waiting, but soon would be really nice.

Celebrate Good Times, C'mon!

It's a celebration.  There's a party goin' on right here. It's a celebration.  Last throughout the year. 

So did I murder the lyrics?  I don't care!  Tammy is LISTED!  It is now a moment by moment waiting game.  McKennan, my son, turned 13  yesterday and he declared that this was a much better gift than could be bought!  I believed it would happen, but I have to just fall on my knees in thanks for all that God has brought us through!

Yes, yes, I know.  The job is not yet done, but, my friend, we are close to climbing up the hill again.  My cautious soul says that new lungs can bring a whole "host" of problems with it. And she will be weak again.  And we have to be vented again, if they have the trache removed by then.  And there are more medicines.  And there are more trips back and forth.  And there are early days and there are schedules, and meds, and IV's, and even steroids and antibiotics.  But there will also be breath. Life. Increasing strength. More laughter. Breezes to inhale and blow across her face. 

 No matter what they bring, they bring hope for a better tomorrow.  And not on their own volition, but because they will be brought by God in answer to the prayers of His saints on behalf of one of His children.  An answer He grants, not just because we ask, but He loves her.  And not just because He loves her, but He loves you and is revealing Himself, His glory, to you so that you can see Him more clearly in your life.  Because He knows the more you learn about Him, the more you will trust Him. And the more you trust Him, the more you will believe Him.  Catch the rhythm, yet?  The more you believe Him, the more you will want to know about Him and the more you will be able to comprehend that He loves you.

Yes, is chocked full of "and"s and "because"s.  Why? Everything. . . everything. . . that has happened is connected.  Every scripture, every word, every obstacle, every victory connects together.  That is the "and"s.  And "because" is so that you will know that the connections are not random, nor by chance, nor by circumstance.  Everything for a purpose, one purpose, so you can see God at work, alive, active, and full of love for you as well as Tammy.

So, celebrate with us!  Hug a friend! Kiss a kiddo! Praise God! We are confident of this, we WILL SEE the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. And now, once again, we wait for the Lord, this time for a new set of lungs in His perfect timing. 

"No" is not OK but Her New Room is Fabulous!

We really have been blessed beyond measure by the people God has placed around us.  The city has authorized a new company to review Tammy's case, and we are hoping to have their answer by Friday.  So we wait, and pray, and wait on the Lord once again.  

Meanwhile we are kicking back in our new room.  And I did mean to say "our."  When you walk in the room, the first thing you notice is the floor to ceiling bay window looking out toward downtown. That alone would be worth the move, but we also have a TV, VCR, and DVD player in a nice armoire.  In the sitting area, yes, I said sitting area, we have a coffee table, sleeper sofa and a wing-back chair.  Our refrigerator is counter height and has enough room for a few frozen dinners!  Oh, and by the way, I currently am kicked-back at my (yes, MY) computer desk.  Though I don't want to be here too much longer, we are definitely appreciating more pleasant and cheerful surroundings.   

Actually, our surroundings now match our attitudes a little better.  We are confident that the insurance problem will be resolved due to the diligence of the City and God's intervention.  We know that He has not brought us this far for a "No" from the insurance company to stop us.  We know that she is getting stronger everyday.  Yesterday, she walked twice for almost 160' and this morning she walked 150' in one trip!  I keep marveling at how God has taken my doubts and throwing them out with the garbage.  I wish I could say I saw this day coming, but I have to say that honestly I thought it would be after the transplant.  Dear Jesus, I stand corrected yet again.  I have never been more happy to be wrong.

I pray for each of you as you test the boundaries of your faith because of what you have seen in Tammy.

The Battle is Not Yet Over . . . Insurance Denied the Transplant

I feel that I have to start this message with a reminder that Ephesians reminds us that our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities and powers of this world.   I say that because I need the reminder as well.

Insurance has denied the transplant, according to a phone conversation, because of the lower success rate.  We will not know all of their reasons until the transplant office gets the letter.  Again, O Lord, we are praying again for a miracle.  There are already people from the hospital and the city offices working on getting minds changed.  God has overcome so much for us already, so we are not discouraged nor are we giving up.  But we ask you to join with us once again as we storm heaven with our prayers.

I almost want to laugh!  Is there a soul out there who still may not believe that it is ALL God and only God that is going to get our girl the next transplant?  Do you even wonder any more?  I pray not!  For the rest of you, keep on keepin' on!  Put on your a1rmor and get on your knees and stand firm on His promises!  For He is great beyond measure!

Phooey with Baby Steps, Honey, Let's Fly!

I appreciate all of your patience with me, I now have a computer, but I am having a hard time getting the thing set up for internet.  Go figure, right?  That is why we paid extra for one on one support.  I need someone to hold my hand and listen to me gripe when it works for them but not for me!  But I know that you don’t really want to read about my technical troubles, that would be a different kind of blog, wouldn’t it? Also, note that I have posted two blogs today.  I really need your help making some decisions, and I need as much feedback from you as I can possibly get, so comment either here, or my facebook page, or my email.  

As I alluded earlier, we are throwing out the baby step terms for a while.  Our girl is ready to fly.  I will update you chronologically, so bear with me.

Friday they tried to downsize her trache, but they are going to have to anesthetize her before they can remove it, so we are still waiting for that to happen.  

Still no word from the insurance people, so we are still waiting for that to happen.

Oh and one more thing, they are calling in a hand specialist to look at her fingers to see what the best course of action is for her fingers.  I think she is ready for something to happen there.  It will be good to know for certain exactly what the long term plan is.  However, they have not come in as of yet, so we are still waiting for that to happen.

But, there are some mighty righteous people praying for Tammy, because once again, your prayers are “availing much.”

Even though they haven’t downsized the trache tube, they have put her on the nose candela. (Nurse friends, is that the right spelling? I am typing this, saving it to a jump drive and having someone else post it.  I don’t have a dictionary. If it is wrong, please, let me know.)  It is the clear tubing that she had before that most people associate with getting oxygen in the hospital.  She is doing much better with it than she was with the trache collar.  It had a huge blue tube attached and it hung around her neck, so it was a bother and pretty confining, so she feels “free-er” than before. Speaking of feeling free . . .

I think the last time I wrote, she was having one good day and then would be pretty tired for several more.  She was having a hard time even sitting up on the side of the bed, and the farthest she had been able to walk was about 15 feet.  Saturday she took a stroll right out the door all the way to the nurses station, rested for a few minutes and then walked back to her bed.  She walked 52 feet!  Now, she was dog tired, and took a nap that afternoon.  She also took it easy on Sunday.  But today, just to make sure we wouldn’t think it was a fluke, the girl walked 100 feet!  Yes!  Double from just two days earlier!  Then, when she was “tired,” she sat in the wheelchair and scooted herself around the “loop” (the hallway that goes around the nurses station and the service elevators.)  She said her calves were burning when she was done, but it sure felt good!

And, her oxygen levels stayed in the 90’s!  That is a flying leap, dear friends!

Another thing I would like to ask you to pray about, Tammy’s blood sugar levels have been dropping in the middle of the night to an unhealthy level.  This is mostly because of the meds she has been on, so it isn’t a long term problem. At least, at this point, we don’t have any reason to think it is a long term problem.  However, since they are having to check her insulin levels regularly, they have noticed the fluctuation.  She has been able to eliminate the need for the insulin or glucose shots (yes, both, depending on the day) she had been getting to keep her sugar levels happy shots most of the time, it is just the nights that are causing problem. Pray with me that she will stabilize, despite the meds and not have to be “poked” any more than absolutely necessary.

Have you ever had one of those weeks...

Of course we all have, haven't we? Those weeks when there were amazing triumphs mixed with crazy schedules and stress, only to be followed by extreme exhaustion. Yeah. That is just about right where I am sitting.

Danny's schedule is busy because of stuff at work. My kids have something going on every night this week, except Friday, but including Saturday and Sunday, only to start again on Monday through the next Thursday. I say all of this so that you will understand why I have been and will be so sporadic on updating the blog. And, the timing is crazy, since we are hoping to find out what day Tammy will be listed. We are hoping (at long last) to finally be able to buy our new computer (a lap top) this weekend, God willing and barring any financial something-or-other that might come up! So, soon, I will be able to blog again on a more consistent basis.

Actually, it is a bit odd to say, but truthfully, I am considering this my "calm before the storm" season. I am enjoying being able to run my kiddos around, and I love being able to leave Tammy at the hospital knowing that she can ask for help when she needs it. I love knowing that she is getting better every day. I rejoice knowing that we are reaping God's blessings because of the many voices who have called out to heaven on Tammy's behalf. Right now, if I need to do something, leave early, whatever, I know that Tammy is not scared, not worried, even if she is somewhat inconvenienced (the nurse to patient ratio of ICU spoiled us a bit!) But, all is relatively calm. Busy is good, actually marvelous, compared to the chaos of our beginnings together on this blog.

I would like to ask you to begin to pray for Tammy's recovery after her transplant, as well as her health in the meantime. I believe she will get her transplant and that it will be at exactly the time God intends. I also know that He has a plan for her recovery. I ask that you will ask Him to give all of us the patience and the knowledge to get her through, not only transplant care, but through rehab as well. She is working really, really hard to push her limits physically - within reason of course - but there is only so much she can do with her lungs as lousy as they are. Ha! I have to share something with you, as I was typing the last sentence, I noticed that I typed "the lungs" the first time before I went back and corrected it! I think I am beginning to consider them as foreign matter, just like her body seems to be telling us. Too funny. However, I firmly believe, and the Physical Therapist (PT) has said as much as well, that her strength far exceeds her lungs ability to oxygenate her muscles. That is encouraging to us now, but pray that when she can breathe with her new lungs, that frustration will not set in when her body can't keep up.

Speaking of breathing, aren't we always talking about breathing? One more bit of good news, sometime today they were supposed to have begun to decrease her trache to begin to let it close up. Crazy, right? One thing I have learned, you never really know what a doctor plans beyond the next 8 hours, if they even let you in on that! We guess they decided to remove it so that if it takes a while for the transplant, she will be able to move down the street to a rehab facility. The trache complicates the move, so, if she can go without it, it is better for her to do so. So, again I find myself saying, "Never mind what I said before, here's the revised plan." I am so thankful for your patience with me in so many areas. Tardy. Lazy exhausted. Wrong. Could the adjectives ever cease?

I also don't think I have written about her right hand and arm in awhile. She blows my mind. She is able to raise her arm out to the side at almost a 90 degree angle. Slowly but surely the elbow is also loosening up. Tammy is making sure that she uses that arm as much as it allows so that she can regain it's flexibility. I do believe there are some plans to "whoop-up" on some of us on the racquetball courts! I am sure she gets discouraged that her right arm is slower in recovery, but it has been through some rough stuff. It no longer hurts to the touch, and other than one day right after PT started, she hasn't had any muscle pain from the therapy. To God's glory and honor, of course. She is also ready for them to do something about her fingers, but they want to hold off to prevent opportunity of infection prior to the transplant. Remember, any infection pulls her off the list, and if any permanent damage is done by the infection, she would never be able to get a transplant. But I don't blame her for wishing they'd remove the damaged tissue. I really can only imagine how surreal it must be for her.

So here are some specifics that I would like to ask you to pray for while you wait for me to be able to chase down a computer to blog again.
1. Pray that she will be able to hold things firmly in her right hand. She can close the fingers, but there isn't much strength.
2. Pray that she will be able to touch her nose with the thumb of her right hand. This is just a measure that we want to shoot for.
3. Pray she can increase the amount of time she sits straight up in the chair. Reclined she can be there most of the day, but sitting straight up with no back support is tiring.
4. She has some bicycle pedals to work with on her legs. Pray she can build up her time every day. Right now 30 seconds is a beat down, so let's pray that she will be able to go 2 minutes pretty soon.
5. Pray for quick insurance approval for the transplant.
6. Pray for a short time on the list, because the sooner it comes, the less time for other trouble to set in and the quicker she will be able to get up and moving again.
7. Pray that if the wait is long that we will remain strong in our confidence of the "goodness of the Lord in the land of the living," so that we will wait with grace and patience that brings honor to our Creator and Healer.
8. We have cancelled her lease at her apartment, at her request. So, we will be closing up and packing up one home, while at the same time, readying our home for her to come live with us. So we have stuff that needs to be organized, unfinished jobs that need to be done, not to mention once all of that is done, the major clean-fest that has to happen to get our home as safe for her as possible. We need stamina, provisions, and patience so that we (Danny and I) won't kill each other or our teenagers in the process!

Yep, I know the list is longer than usual. I try to only focus on a few things at a time. I just figured since I had been so horrid in writing consistently, I would make sure you have plenty to keep you occupied. Like any one of us couldn't have a list a mile long! Know that as we pray for Tammy, we are also remembering you in our prayers, not just in thanksgiving for all each of you have done, but as we lift you up, asking God to meet your needs and those of your loved ones as freely and as willingly as He has for us. We also pray that in all circumstances, regardless, you will see His goodness. I know I say it all the time, but there is no goodness that is greater than the goodness of the One God, the true God, the only God, the great I AM.

It has been a while...I hope you'll think it's worth the wait!

I haven't been able to blog in what seems like forever. There is a myriad of reasons, but I won't bore you with the details. This isn't the Charlotte Update, it is much more about Tammy. So, I hope when I catch you up, I hope you will think it was worth the wait.

I am shocked at how, after all He has done, I still underestimate God. You see, yesterday, we were blessed with great news. Tammy was going to get to check out of CV-ICU and move to a regular room! I was so excited! We did the happy dance. I thought it was a great gift for Easter. I went home telling my kids and family how amazed I was that she was allowed to take such a big step on such a blessed weekend. It was a great day.

But today. . . TODAY God gave greater that I could have imagined. Some of you already know, but I won't keep the rest of you in suspense. Today we got the news that, as soon as insurance approves it, Tammy will be LISTED! CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW GREAT GOD IS? They waived the 200 foot requirement, and now we just have to wait for the paperwork. Again, I was happy with the appetizer, while God was preparing to serve the main course! "To Him who is able to do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all that we can ask or imagine, to Him be the glory for ever and ever. Amen." And a great big WOOOO-HOOOO!

OK . . . so the question everyone wants to know . . . how long after she's listed til she gets a transplant. Short answer, no clue. Long answer, she will be high up on the list if her spirometry was as low as they expected. They prefer to transplant from a donor with the same blood type, but in rare (urgent) cases, they will transplant lungs of a different blood type. However, on any of the lists, she is near the top, if not the top, for each type.

How long? That is in God's hands. By now we should all be saying, "DUH!" when you read that last statement. Please, dear Lord, help us to learn that lesson. Remember, to save this precious life, someone will have to lose someone they love. It is a bittersweet thing. If I did not know that God already had all of our days ordained, if I couldn't rest in my trust in Him, if I did not believe He was purposeful, just and loving, I could not, absolutely could not, pray for a donor. But He is just. He is loving. He does nothing without a purpose. He is amazingly patient and never too late. And though, sometimes He says a resounding, "No!" I will completely trust in the no's as well as His yes's.

I pray that this Easter, in light of all you have seen God do in our lives, you will see God as greater, Jesus as more precious, and the Holy Spirit more intimately involved. Jesus trusted God's no's, too. Remember, in the Garden, He prayed, "If there is anyway this cup can pass from me, yet, not my will but Yours." He knew the cross was looming in His tomorrow, but He asked anyway, and submitted to God's will. He submitted to the no because of a verse I read earlier this week, I can't remember if I posted it, so I will share it now, and if it is redundant . . . I apologize.

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." (Hebrews 12:2)

He knew that not only would Heaven be waiting for Him, but that because of His death, one day you and I could be there with Him, too! The thought of spending eternity with His Father and with you was the joy that made the cross worth going through! You were worth every cut, every curse, every ripped muscle, every painful breath, every single drop of blood. Your eternity is bought and paid for, all you have to do is believe in Him, believe that He is who He says He is and that He has done what He says He has done. Just believe. Sounds simple. Actually almost too easy, but remember, grace is free, not earned. If you could earn it or had to meet some goal, it would be an earned wage, not a gift. Romans 6:23 says that "the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord."

So, dear beloved, fix your eyes on Him. Maybe you want to believe, but it is hard to reconcile everything in your brain. Maybe you believe, but you don't think you believe enough. Choose Him, choose to believe, and He will perfect it in you. As you learn more about Him, you will learn to trust Him. The more you learn to trust Him, the more results you will see as you exercise your faith. The more your faith grows, the more you will love Him. The more you love Him, the more you will want to learn about Him. Catch the cycle? He can't wait to give you the main course. Hmmmm . . . do you think there might be desert? If there is or not, I am definitely enjoying the plate He is sharing with us today!

Honored Servant

"Each year the Euless Police Department selects an outstanding civilian employee as the recipient of the "Bill Harvell" Civilian of the Year Award. This award is presented to honor the memory of Lieutenant Bill Harvell who passed away in 1975. At the dimeof his death, Lieutenant Harvell commanded the civilian services of the Euless Police Department. the recipient of the year's award has been chosen because she exemplifies the high standards set by Lieutenant Harvell. She is recognized by all as someone who is always willing to go the extra mile to improve the work environment and assist those in need. Her own personal needs routinely take a back seat to the needs of those she serves . . . her police officers, fire fighters, paramedics, and citizens.

For her outsanding service and performance, Tammy Barnes has been selected as the 2008 recipient of the Bill Harvell Award.

Signed, Michael G. Brown, Chief of Police"

So many times we honor people for their achievements. Top seller. Fastest runner. Best actor. Yet, this past Friday evening, we were invited to a dinner where those that were being honored were being recognized, not for their measured success, but for their immeasurable service. They were people like the reserve officer who had served for decades as a volunteer and was now retiring. Or the officer who, even though he was receiving treatments for cancer, still managed to come in to work as often as he could so that he could serve the City. And then there is Tammy, who is often embarassed by the recognition, or who would name 2 or 3 others she thinks could have won the award she was honored to receive. These people did not achieve special numbers or percentages of success. It was not based on degree of education, nor on annual salary. They were honored because they served, often selflessly, their fellow employees and the citizens of the city they represent.

I was struck at how clearly the Biblical principle of "greatness" was exemplified in the life of those honored at the dinner. Over and over Jesus said that if we wanted to be great, we must serve, we must become like the "least of these." Remember, "the last shall be first"? It is a crazy, backwards principle, but one that Christ lived even to his last moments on earth. Yesterday, my pastor reminded us of a dinner where honor was bestowed, not with awards, but with a crazy act of service. It was Jesus's and the Disciples' last evening together, and the Disciples were arguing about which one of them was going to be greater in the Kingdom of Heaven. Jesus overhears them and says tells them to be great, they must become a servant. Then, He begins to prepare a basin of water and gather towels, so the King of Kings, the Creator of Creation, could wash their feet. Imagine, the One who performed miracles, the One who turned water into wine, the One who made the lame man to walk, the One who calmed the stormy sea, the One who could have spoken the word and their feet would have been clean, chose to kneel on the ground before each of them, gather their feet into His hands and scrub the filth and dirt of the streets off of them. Not because they were griping. Not because He thought if He asked one of them to do it, they would gripe the whole time. Not because He knew if He did ask one of them to do it, that disciple would be considered "less than" by the other disciples because of their culture. He did it because He loved them enough to show them that He would even take the most menial task to serve them. And to me, one of the way you show honor to someone, you serve them. Yet, the disciples are not the honored ones in this story. It is the man who bowed his knee and who, a few hours later, would lay down His life, who is exalted and celebrated.

Ah, but I am not done, because there is something else significant. He didn't just wash the feet of His friends, He washed the very feet of the one who would turn Him over to the ones who were plotting to kill Him. Christ washed the feet of Judas. Isn't it interesting that even to the last betrayal, Jesus still longed for the soul of the man who would had made a deal with Satan. Sweet beloved friend, Jesus still longs for your soul as well. There is nothing you have done, nothing you can do, nothing you want to do, nothing you will ever do, that will stop Him from passionately pursuing your soul. He longs for you. He loves you. He wants a relationship with you. And He wants these things, not so He can have more people in Heaven than their are in Hell, not so He can win a contest. The battle is already one, and He is already the victor. He does not want you to come to know Him for His sake, He wants a relationship with you for your sake.

This week is Easter week. There is no easier time to come back to Him or to discover Him for the first time. Don't let pride or fear keep you away. If you want to talk or have more questions, you can contact me, either in comments or by email or by cell phone. If you need a place to attend church, let me know where you live, and I'll help you find a place. If you need to cry or to celebrate or to pray with someone, you know where to find me. The best part is that there is a promise you can go to the bank with, God said, "If you seek Me, you WILL find Me." (emphasis mine) Seek Him, my friend. He already knows where you are, and where you've been, and He can't wait for you to get to know Him, so you can understand the magnitude of His love.

I've not forgotten

We are having a busy weekend. I am trying to catch up with mom/wife/homemaker duties this weekend. I will be posting later today about a special honor that Tammy received this weekend. Please come back to check this evening. I apologise if you have been checking all weekend.

A Thought about Firsts

We have had all kinds of firsts today. Today, Tammy "got voice" and tonight, she gets chocolate milk! Let me tell you how amazing that makes me feel. We are celebrating in the back and in the waiting room. It is really funny because our waiting room friends are all volunteering to go get the chocolate milk. She also got to leave the sixth floor for the first time. She actually traveled down stairs to the radiology dept. for the swallow study. Like everything with Tammy, it was a bit like a party. She knows all the radiologists down there by name, so they had a blast picking on each other.

With all the celbrating though, I can't help but think about an interview I heard on Focus on the Family this morning. Dr. Dobson was interviewing a family who lost a daughter in an automobile accident. The morning after she was killed their other daughter said, "This is our first sunrise without Whitney." Immediately, I felt thankful to God that those kinds of firsts were not the ones we were experiencing. You know, there is nothing as sobering as a loss to bring perspective, and no one makes it through life without losing someone or something of great value. Do yourself a favor, friend, start valuing the little things now. The smell of a sweaty little boy after playing outside. The dimple in the cheek. The sound of laughter. The feeling of arms wrapped around your neck. The taste of chocolate milk. The feeling of rain on a summer morning. And, as you treasure all you have been given, think of someone who is traveling through their firsts since loss. First Mother's Day. First Father's Day. First day in the church pew alone. First time the flower's bloom. First time for whatever matters. Then, give that person a call and tell them you are thinking of them.

G. - You are in my prayers today.

Not Gonna Save this For Last

The other day I came across this verse, and I thought that it would be great for the last post to the blog. Today, though I am convinced that it was for the "now" not for the "later" that He showed it to me. Then, I will tell you about Tammy.

"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many." 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

We truly felt the "sentence of death" for Tammy. And I have done my best to keep you informed about the hardships we have endured - though we are far from Asia! I hope that when you think of this family, when you consider Tammy, you will realize that we have fully relied on God. We know He is continuing to work in healing her and moving her toward the next transplant. But more than what you think of us, we pray that you can more clearly see what God is doing, not only in Tammy's life, but in your life, because God has definitely granted favor to us in answer to your prayers. Rejoice in this fact. Rejoice in God, in His goodness, in His holiness, and in His perfect plan (which by the way, includes what we call the "bad" parts of His plan!) I have a new understanding of God, not only that He can bear me through something, but He also, sometimes, grants us great victory.

Tammy is feeling the victory today. She was able to take a few steps to the chair and back to the bed. They are bearing much of her weight, but she was able to actually pick up her feet and lock her knees to support some of the weight. (I almost wrote "load" but decided that could conjure pictures of 18 wheelers, which would be highly unfair to do to someone who is in the hospital. LOL!) She did not have to go back on the vent at all last night, and she slept from 10:30 pm to about 5:30 am. That is the longest stretch of sleep she has had without sedation medication for longer than she has even been in the hospital. I think that breathing on her own is making her tired, but not too tired, and her blood pressure and oxygen levels are staying right where they should be, praise God, so they are not talking about putting her back on the vent to "rest."

It is possible that tomorrow they are either going to try the next trache or a swallow study. I am not sure which she mentioned. Either way, we are one day closer to chocolate milk! They are letting her swish water in her mouth and use the suction wand to spit it out. It is a little like teasing her with what "could be," but she insists it is way better than nothing. As long as there is ice in the water AND if she has a straw, right, Tracie?

No one ever really know what tomorrow will bring, but we can be certain that God does. Rest in the knowledge of His omniscience, and rejoice that He does not leave you alone in the mean time.

Free at last! Free at last!

Praise God Almighty! She is free at last! While I know that her struggle does not compare to the generations of oppression, but it has been such a season that I could not help but want to shout this quote from the top of the building. Tammy is off the vent! She is getting humidified oxygen blown past her trache opening and she is doing all the work of breathing on her own. As a matter of fact, normally they put the patient back on the vent for the night to "rest," but she is doing so much better that they are going to try to leave her off all night! When she rocks, she rocks!

I need to confess that I absolutely messed up yesterday. We do not yet get to hear her voice. This collar is like a mini oxygen mask that fits over her trache. If she does well with this they will put in another type of trache valve. It will allow the air to move past the vocal cords. She is looking forward to her new "robot" voice. The tube will divert the air a little which will distort the sound of her voice. She may be sounding a little like her favorite green creatures! Ribbit!
Anyway, at some point they will do a "swallow study" to see if she can swallow well enough to eat. As much as she is hoping to get some chocolate milk, we think the study will involve drinking some barium, and the thought of that makes her taste buds shudder. Pray it happens sooner than later.

Also, she is down to being able to move from bed to chair with the help of one person. I think part of that is because they are able to get closer to the bed and because she no longer has the chest tubes. But we celebrate anyway! The muscles in her legs are beginning to show more, and I am making her work to get them where she wants them. It seems to be helping a bit. All we can do is keep on adding a bit of resistance to build up so she can stand on her own.

All of this improvement is leaving me with a bit of a dilemma. We have been using numbers as markers to pray towards, and now I have to be a little more creative to lead us in specific praying. She is doing really well with her left hand, but her right hand is not quite ready for the same activity. Pray that she will be able to close her hand fully and make a fist. Also pray that she will be able to bend her arm enough to be able to touch her chin. Right now it is able to reach just below the point where the two sides of the ribcage come together. Also pray that she will be able to pull her legs up to . . . how can I explain it. Imagine you are in a recliner and your legs are stretched out with your calves on the foot rest. Then, you decide to pull your legs up so that you can rest your feet on the foot rest, so your legs make a shape like a tent. I hope you can picture it because that is what we are shooting for!

It has been a pretty great day. I realize that these posts have taken a shift from "a little bit of Tammy update and lots of scripture" to "lots of Tammy stuff and a little scripture." I know that most of you only have a little time, and there is so much going on with her right now, that I do not want to neglect giving you information nor do I want to impose on your time. So, I pray you know, God is still very much in every step being taken. And He will be there when she actually takes her first steps. We are blessed beyond words, even when I feel I have used too many in one post. Til tomorrow. . . All God's blessings to you today.

Whispers of Change

Change can sometimes cause people to cringe. As you can imagine, lately, that has been cause for celebrations. There are no real promises yet, but we are getting close. We have not seen the doctor today. It is clinic day on top of the crazy number of transplant patients in ICU, so he has been quite a busy man today. So, we are waiting patiently.

Great news! When I started typing this, Tammy still had the chest tube, but right now, as I type, the doctors are in there removing it! Woo-hoo! That is one of the whispers I was going to mention that has now turned into a shout and a happy dance!

The other whisper is that possibly . . . maybe . . . hopefully . . . God-willing . . . they may try to put her on a trache collar. Which means, are you ready for this? That means that she will have oxygen only, and that she would be able to talk! Now, that is only a whisper, and that is only my current understanding of what that means. It is possible for her to have machine support if she needs it as well, but we are hoping she will be able to pull that off.

The main reason we don't know for certain that this is going to happen has more to do with how she was feeling this morning. She was coughing quite a bit last night, and this morning, she "just didn't feel good." Her breathing has been a little shallow and she has been tired. But, as the day has progressed, she has felt better. It really is a toss up. So pray fervently and I am certain the whisper will become a shout as well.

She sends her love to everyone and is humbled by how much you love her. She is always shocked to see how high the hits have gotten. I share them with her every day. Just as you will never know the full impact of your prayers on eternity, I know you could never understand the impact they are having on her spirits. Thank you, most humbly and with all of our gratitude.

The post that wouldn't post

Ok, I am just going to start out being honest. I have written this post twice, and tried to post it five times. There is nothing that boggles the mind more than what happens when you hit a button on the computer and things start disappearing. For that reason, this post has not been spell checked, nor am I going to waste time reading over what I have written. However, I need you to know that I am praying that God will remind me of all that I wrote before so that I do not miss anything He intended me to say, and that I will be sensitive enough to eliminate whatever He wanted me to omit.

This weekend at the women's retreat that I attended, an friend of mine shared a passage of scripture with us that God has been using in her life in a powerful way recently. I knew the passage, but had not come across it recently, and when she finished I wanted to stand up and shout! Of course, being the reserved, calm, mature church lady that I am (HA!), I refrained from the impulse. However, I will not resist the urge to share these words with you.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." 2 Corinthians 4:7-8, 16-17

My friends, we have been pressed and perplexed. I am not sure about persecuted, but I assure Tammy's body was definitely struck down. But we are not crushed, nor are we in dispair. We were never abandoned, and no matter what we will never be destroyed. We are all painfully aware that our bodies are really only jars of clay: formed for a purpose, yet fragile, able to be cracked and then repaired, but not without a scar. And why? To show that the all-surpassing power to heal, to alter situations, to have peace, to be strong, to persevere, to save a soul, to tranform a life, to move on, to press on, to give more, to do more, to survive more - this power comes from God. It is important to remember, it doesn't come from Tammy nor from the love of Tammy, not from her family nor their dedication, not from the doctors nor their medications, not from reason, nor chance, nor coincidence, nor karma - it comes from our God! There is no God but our God. And even in the midst of what we are going through, we have been reminded over and over by our waiting room friends, our horrid troubles are only light and temporary. Light, because of Christ bearing us through, and temporary, because like all seasons, eventually this season will pass. One day! O, one day! Our enternity will be glorious!

Now, for Tammy's current struggle, this weekend has been pretty good. She was able to have the smaller chest tube removed, and she isn't on pain meds anymore. The med she was on made her a little spaced out and a whole lot tired, so she is glad to be done with it I think. She has been making up for lost time teasing her family. It has been a busy weekend in CVICU because they have done two transplants in two days. Because of that, Tam has been moved to a new room in the unit. She is still in isolation, so when you come, make sure you ask where you can clean up and get your mask and gloves. The room is one of the smaller rooms, so we probably ought to be more diligent about the "two at a time" rule. Sorry, the room's just not very big.

I would like one more time to ask you to allow me to ask for prayer, this time, closer to my heart. My dad's mom, my Nanny, is 90+ years old and she is not doing very well mentally, emotinally, and more than likely, spiritually as well. She is beginning to lose touch with what is real and what is not. I wish I could say she was slipping into blissful memories, but that is not the case. All of her thoughts are leaning toward the horrid and scary. She is constantly afraid, and though she is in no danger, she is unable to reason with herself. Every bad story is her reality. In order to protect her privacy and her dignity, I will not elaborate further. I beg and implore you to please lift her in your prayers this week. We know that "perfect love casts out all fear," so pray God's perfect love permeates her mind, heart, and soul.

Pardon me please...

While I adjust my rhythm. I am no longer staying nights at the hospital, so I am having to find times to blog and give my kiddos some long needed attention, plus all the other stuff that goes along with being at home. I mean, now I have to make my own bed, wash and fold my own towels, and if I need a soda, I am going to have to squeeze in time to go to the grocery store. Granted life will be a lot less expensive, but it will definitely be busier. But it is worth it.

Tammy is also adjusting to the chest tubes. She did sit in the recliner again yesterday, but she was a little nauseous. I think that is because of the pain meds, plus they changed the formulation of her liquid diet. We are trying to get enough nutrition into her to allow her to get stronger and heal, but her stomach is having a hard time adjusting to the volume of food she needs. Plus, when she moves, the tubes hurt. She's not quite sure how to explain it, but as she said, "It's not fun."

She did get a visit from her supervisors at the EPD. I think it made her day to see them. They came to deliver a card and some good news, but . . . that is all I am going to tell you about the news. For many of you, it is not a secret, for those of you who don't . . . you'll have to check back next weekend to find out. Yes, that is a shameless teaser, but I want to be able to tell the whole story, and it won't be finished until next week, so . . . there you go!

Nighttime is going pretty well for her as well. Of course, she has been on pain meds that have her sleeping like a rock on a sunny hillside. She has encouraged us both nights to go home. I am so thankful to God that He has brought us to this place. Every step toward getting closer to another transplant is a step prepared by God. Every trip home is a trip prepared by Him. Dare we even allow our selves to explore that thought further? Yes, sometimes the road seems tragic. (There has been a lot of that in the ICU this last few weeks.) Sometimes, it seems we are hanging on the side of a cliff, nevermind considering a road. But none of it is a surprise for Him. So, ask Him why He has you where you are, right at this time, for what purpose. The answers do not always come easy. In some situations, it never comes easy. You may need to sit alone, rocking, crying, wailing, begging for a hint of a clue. But let me encourage you, make sure you don't go there alone. Take God and His Word with you. Read the book of James or begin going through the Psalms, one at a time. Read until He gives you a glimpse of His plan or some comfort for you to cling to. Of one thing I am certain. If you look for Him, if you long for Him, if you are willing to search Him out . . . you will find Him. That is my experience, but that is not my promise. It's His.

You can run, but you can't hide!

I kinda feel like I am writing a western novel. Yesterday, we dodged bullets, but today we hear the ominous threat of the bad guys, warning us that they are going to pay us back one way or the other. It is funny how life takes a theme.

Today, the bullet caught us. Tammy ended up have to get a chest tube, actually two tubes. Her lung had deflated in a small area at the top and a larger area at the bottom of her LEFT lung. (Earlier a respiratory therapist told us it was the right, shows what they know.) The area in the middle remained "inflated" but what we think happened was scar tissue was holding it open, preventing it from collapsing. They decided to use the two tubes to drain the appropriate areas of her lung. She was feeling OK when I left her for the evening break, but she said the whole process hurts. I foresee an evening of pain killers . . . and maybe an opportunity to collect some blackmail material.

We do have one small victory to proclaim. Actually it was really a big hurdle. She was able to sit in a recliner for the first time today, not the cardiac chair, but the real recliner. Just so you can understand just how amazing this feat is for her. First, she has to use her abdominal muscles move herself into a sitting position while the nurse swings her legs over the side of the bed. Then once she gets to the side of the be she has to hold herself upright until they get the iv tubes, trache tubing, and all the other paraphernalia positioned just right. Next comes the slide off the edge of the bed onto two feet who haven't been on the floor since the 7th of February. Her legs, which have been robbed of the purpose they were created for, have to lift her and stabilize her enough to allow her to spin around so she can be in the right position. Even with the strength of two nurses, the burden of having to work causes them to shake and quiver, challenging her equilibrium and her stability. Once she is in position, the nurses help her ease into the chair. By this time, her legs have just about had it. Finally the reward, she gets to kick back in the recliner and feel secure and somewhat normal for the first time in a long time. Only to follow the reward with having to do everything again, only backwards. It was an exhausting morning.

When you are done reading this and you move away from you computer, think about every movement that has to come together to make that happen. Then praise God that you, dear friend, are "fearfully and wonderfully made." Psalm 139.

I am also hit with the realization that I am so very blessed even though sometimes we try to run away from God and His truth, God lets us run, yet, beloved creation of God, we can never, ever hide. He is just waiting for us to turn and look back. He is right there waiting.

Well, dodged the bullet one more day...

They still haven't ruled out the possibility of the chest tube. Tammy's blood is still a little thin, so they don't want to risk the possibility of extra bleeding without knowing for sure if it will help her feel better. Her stats have been fine up to this point even though it is still a little tough to breathe. She's not in pain, she just has to work harder. The lung has not inflated any further, but it does not appear to be getting worse at this time. We are hoping it will begin to show signs of improvement on the next x-rays. They had upped her oxygen to 100% because that can help the hole in her lung to heal. Today they decreased it to 60% to allow her to get used to a lower level before they go back, to the 40% she was used to. And, here is a number you haven't heard in a while, her PEEP has been lowered to 4. It has been at 5 for 3 weeks now, and I didn't think they were going to lower it again. Shows what I know. They also lowered her pressure support to 10%. Remember, we are asking God to lower that to between 5 and 8, so they can try her off the vent. I am not sure if they will attempt that until her lung gets better. We will see.

Tammy is feeling better. I know for sure because she is begging for chocolate milk. Nestle's Chocolate Milk. Not from the powder. The already mixed kind you get in the dairy section. When someone is that specific, you can tell it has become a bit of an obsession. I have gotten to the place where I feel bad every time I go out to get a drink of water. I generally just say that I need to step out for a minute, or I wait until she sleeps.

Speaking of sleeping, she and I both skipped that last night. YAWN! She was coughing a lot, and we had a rookie nurse. Enough said? I am not generally a complainer, but I didn't want to leave her knowing she was needing help. Thankfully, the day nurse was much better, and her coughing was not as severe, so I was able to take a nap (like a 4.5 hour one) this afternoon. It should be interesting to see how tonight goes. So far, no coughing, but I am not going to mention it out loud. Oh, and as to why she was coughing, no clue she was just much more sensitive to sensations in her throat. Pray for good sleep and no discomfort.

Tenacity

"Tenacity is more than endurance, it is endurance combined with the absolute certainty that what we are looking for is going to transpire. Tenacity is more than just hanging on, which may be but the weakness of being too afraid to fall off. Tenacity is the supreme effot of a man refusing to believe that his hero is going to be conquered, . . . Remain spirtually tenacious."
Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, February 22

After reading this quote that was in my Bible Study for today, I have decided that "tenacious" is my new favorite word for describing Tammy! Her response to lung disease from the very beginning has born the proof of her tenacity. She was doing much more than "hangin' in there," she has looked forward with confidence. There has seldom been any "ifs" in her conversations, alway she says "when." She is convinced that God is with her and He is going to finish whatever it was that He started in her. And, it is great to know that her confidence has also been supported now by proof.

There a some of you that she has met because of the first transplant. There are some of you who have watched her live life, and know these things are true. There are those of you who are encouraged through your own struggles because Tammy has been going through so much and hasn't stopped moving forward. There are those of you who knew Tammy before and realize that at times, when she is well, that you can't even tell a difference because she still laughs as easy, still jokes as much, and keeps pushing herself even physically. There are some of you who have never even met her, but know someone who has, and this story of God's love for her, this story of His power transforming her life and restoring her health, has become an encouragement to you.

You see, even while she is lying in the bed, dependent on someone to read her lips for communication, even with a collapsed lung (no new word today on that), God is still fulfilling His purpose in her life. It is her confidence that God is already victorious in her life. She doesn't preach it. She doesn't drag it in to every conversation, though she is not shy about it. What she does do - loudly, clearly, and pointedly - is LIVE it.

Praise God Today is Sunday

Is there really a better day to ask people to pray? They are already coming together for Bible Study. Their hearts are already turned toward God. No one has to alter plans to get together with other believers. So, is anyone surprised to learn that her lung has begun to inflate?

You see, last night I discovered that there was not a full collapse of the lung, but that it was progressively getting worse. The plan of action in that case was to have to put in a chest tube to remove any excess air or fluids accumulating to allow the lung to inflate. So, when I woke up this morning, I thought I'd better hurry down there so I wouldn't miss the procedure. I didn't want her to be scared. It took a while for the doctor to get to us, but when he came in he told us that the x-rays were improving, so no chest tube for today! Yay!

Once again, your prayers were answered specifically. Celebrate today! I keep humming the old hymn:

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
and to take Him at His word;
just to rest upon His promise,
and to know, "Thus saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O, for grace to trust Him more!

O, dear Lord, for grace to trust Him more! There really is no name more precious, no name more powerful, no name more sweet, no name more worthy of praise than the name Jesus! How blessed we are to call Him Savior, Lord, and Friend. Have a blessed an glorious day.

Not Every Day Can Be a Good Day

Thursday evening started off rough with nausea and dry heaves. It was not a fun evening, so we were glad when the nurse gave her some medicine that let her sleep for a whole two hours. You have to understand, there is no way - none - that anyone could have kept up with Tammy's sleep schedule the three days before. We would watch TV until 12:30 or 1:00 am, then I would beg out. She might actually nod off to sleep. However, when I would return at 4:00 am, the nurse would tell me she only slept 30 min to an hour at most. Then we would chat and talk until 6:00 am. I would go crash for a few hours. She would have physical therapy and maybe occupational therapy while I was gone. When I would get back to her, she would be in the chair. Even when she was exhausted from being in the chair, she still would only snooze for a few minutes, then she'd be awake until 1:30 or 2:00 pm. Then she would take another 45 minute nap, only to be awake until I couldn't keep my eyes open at 12:30 am again. So, even though the nausea was bad, you understand why I said at least she slept.

When I came in at 5 that morning, she was fine, but when I returned at 10:30, she was hurting. Her arm and her hand were making her miserable. To touch it or move it would bring her to tears. This time they gave her some pain meds that absolutely knocked her out. She even slept through a visit from one of her friends. It took all day for us to finally get an ice pack, but when I returned later, she was much better but still in pain. Her sister came up and spent the night Friday, because I had to work this morning, which was a great relief since the previous 24 hours hadn't been so easy.

When we returned this afternoon, we discovered that she has a lung that has collapsed, sometime in the last couple of days. The kicker is, they are going to wait to see if it re-inflates itself, and may not do anything until Monday. Pray, please pray. But at this point, do not only pray that will re-inflate, also pray for the Doctors that I don't become impatient. It is so hard for "wait and see." I don't know medicine, even though I am much smarter than 8 weeks ago. And I know that my verse for this season tells me to "Wait for the Lord," so I know things are in His hands, but it is hard to know when I am supposed to say something, and when I am supposed to shut up and wait. I really need to talk to a doctor so I can learn one more thing, so I can understand better. What I do know is that in order for them to re-inflate the lung, she will have to have a chest tube. Which may be why they want to wait, so, dear Warriors on your knees, pray once again for a miracle.

Before I go much further, I need to let you know, she is not in too much pain from the collapsed lung. Remember that there are no nerve connections between her brain and her lungs. The nerves do not grow from her bronchial tubes to the donor lungs. So, it hurts a little to breathe because of the muscles, but the lung itself doesn't hurt. It is serious stuff, but she is not in excruciating pain.

So, if you decide to come visit, please give us a call first. If you don't have our number, you probably know someone who does. If you can't get in touch with them, you can call the hospital waiting room. The number is in the phone book. I am not going to list the information here to reduce the chance of spammers and other people locating this blog through a search or other spy ware program. Thanks for understanding.

Confession...I had the day off...

I went to play with the kids. We had a great time. Thank you for asking! We went to a movie, and I made my daughter's day by going shopping, and my son's day by buying a Wii game and renting another. It was a blessing to be able to leave. Thank you to the cousin who came and hung out with Tammy today.

However, I hear she had a great day. She was able to sit up on the side of the bed with her feet dangling. They had to stabilize her a little bit, but she was really excited. I have to tell you, if you want to be encouraged, if you want to see prayers in action, if seeing her smile will make you smile, you need to come visit. Call before you come so that we don't all hit her at once, but I can assure you, it is worth the drive. I would like to ask that you don't come in large numbers. It can wear her (and the nurses) out. But it would be great if she had a visitor or two every day. Daytime during the week is the best time, but I know that so many of you work. I also encourage those of you who came to see her when she was so very sick to come be encouraged by the power of prayer. You, more than others, will really be in awe of all that God has accomplished through your prayers.

I apologise for the short post, but my dinner is here. I promise not to be so negligent tomorrow.