Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

Guys, I hate to say it, but today is much like yesterday. They have adjusted the PEEP to 8 and they have added a maxium PEEP number to the mix. The goal is to stay in the middle. I think they will expand the range as time goes on. She is resting more comfortably than before because they have added another sedative. She looks much more restful, and even when she takes what I call stutter breath, she doesn't seem to be agitated. For that I praise God, and I am praying that this will allow her to recover more quickly. They still have a few concerns about preventing infection and getting her off the ventilator, but she seems to be holding her own right now.

I know that two weeks ago, I shared with you Psalm 27:13-14 about being confident that I would see His goodness, whatever that entails, and also that we were told to wait, to not be afraid, and to be strong. We are still waiting. I am still confident. But this morning I was reading another Psalm that was especially poignant as I considered our fabulous girl. The words in italics are my thoughts as I read.

Psalm 139

1 O LORD, you have searched me
and you know me.
And You know Tammy way better than all of us put together.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You know that she is lying in ICU and only You know what is going on in her heart of hearts, beneath the medicated fog.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
You know her desire to constanly be on the go and to live life and not just live. You also know her intense dislike of being stuck in a bed.
4 Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
And You know what I will ask before I ask it, but I will ask anyway.
5 You hem me in—behind and before;
you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Your hand is on all of us who believe, and especially Tammy. My soul sighs in relief at this reminder that You, who created all that I can see and what I cannot see, care to protect me and hold me in your hand.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
No matter where Tammy is, no matter what she has to go through, Your powerful grip will not let go.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
And when I don't want to hide, but the darkness of doubt threatens to overwhelm me, You will see me. You will be with me. You will not leave me. And in the darkness of Tammy's sedation (but maybe it is glorious), You are there. She is not hidden, nor alone.
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
You created Tammy wonderfully just as she is -vivacious, energetic, funny, determined, beautiful to her soul. Yet, You also created her body just as it is...fearfully and wonderfully made. And only You know what needs to happen within that body for it to heal. And only You know if it will.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
You knew I would be here typing today, as Tammy would be lying in ICU. You know our tomorrow, our next week, our next year, our last. Your word says "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." so it is with confidence that I say You will complete the good work You began in Tammy. You will complete it, I just pray I will understand and recognize its completion...even if it is 30 years from now.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand.
When I awake,
I am still with you.
Well, with that verse comes the realization that even if you were to show me Your purpose, I am not sure I could understand or begin to fathom. So I am humbled that You share any of Your thoughts with us. Lord, help us to wait on understanding.

David begins to talk about the people that were out to destroy him, then he writes:
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting.
Lord, You know when I am being selfish, the times I pray out of my own needs and not out of the needs for Tammy. Test me, and keep me from worrying. I know that if I trust in You, if I believe You have Tammy in Your hands, I really do not need to worry. You created her, You love her deeper, wider, and purer than any of us can even begin to attempt. Nothing will get to her without Your protection over her. Nothing so dark You cannot see. I pray that the confidence I have in You will be shared in the hearts of those who are praying with me, with those who are reading this now. Keep us focused on Your best for her, regardless of our hope for her recovery. I trust in You. Amen